Swirly Girl

Shelter

Taken in Kyoto last month on the grounds of The Silver Temple.

It is sometimes in the farthest reaches of our minds, in those wee hours of the night when we are in our deepest moments of sleep, when the most profound messages come calling to us.  There are mornings I wake up with a dream from the night before re-playing itself vividly in my brain, and  it stays with me so intently throughout the day that I am still thinking of it when I go back to bed that night, sometimes even wishing I could dive right back into that experience.  It is one of those quirky hobbies of mine to intrepret dreams, and while I don't claim to be any kind of expert I have found it usually isn't terribly difficult to understand the symbolism, hidden meanings and clues that exist in all of our dreams.

In a dream I had the other night, there was someone I knew who was sick and dying, and another friend who was taking care of him.  While this was never said out loud, it was understood she was going to take care of him until he died.  All the other players in the dream, including myself, knew that she was deeply in love him and he with her, but they had some kind of unspoken agreement to not act on their love or even say it out loud because he was going to die and that would be too hard for both of them.  There was a certain contentment [read:  safety] in this decision, but just beneath the surface they both held deep longings for something more.

As a group of us were walking together, I was walking with my friend and telling her that she absolutely, positively had to share this love with him, that I knew it would lead to the most painful experience of her life but that she had no choice, she had to take advantage of this time with him no matter what.  After this exchange the dream gets fuzzy, but that particular part of it was crystal clear.  I was adamant, speaking to her in a way that was not consoling or pleading or especially sympathetic; I was practically admonishing her, talking to her as if she were a ten year old girl resisting her homework and I had to get the point across that without learning how to spell she would never succeed in life.  I was on the edge of being downright angry.

I believe this is one of humanity's greatest struggles - to love openly and deeply without concerning ourselves with any possible future pain.  Perhaps we have been hurt in the past, or we know someone who was devastated by loss.  We have friends who we believe deserve only goodness and joy, but who have been thrust into the depths of despair by betrayal and selfishness.  We all have our stories, we all have our walls, we all have moments where the earth fell out from beneath us because we believed something to be true, or to be impossible, and then in one quick instant our deepest faith is shattered.  Where to go from those dark moments in order to get back into the light?

The place I always go to in those moments is a space of believing I am totally alone, that without this particular person or that particular trust I am woefully, permanently alone.  But the truth is that nothing could be farther from the truth, and in reality there are many more moments between humans that have love and positive energy than not.  It might be the most frightening thought to think of losing our dearest loved ones, but no matter how great a certain loss is - a loss of a friend, of a belief, of a trust - there will always be and endless well of light in our lives.  The friendly woman at the grocery store, the waiters who know you and take good care of you at your favorite restaurant, the blogger you've never met in person but whose words give you comfort everyday...all of these people and more provide light, provide hope.  They might not be able to soothe your deepest wounds or give you the answers you may be searching for, but in noticing those tiny exchanges of goodness you can open yourself up to morsels of support everywhere you go.

We may sometimes feel as if we are in a dark tunnel all alone, but if we can find the strength to light just one match, the truth will emerge that we are actualy surrounded by love and support.  Our physical selves may be alone in a room, but if we go inward, we can find shelter from our storms.  The shelter of a thousand bright green leaves, each one a thought, a wish for our well-being, a hope for our healing, from all over the universe.

"The simple act of accepting a stranger's wish for our happiness empowers us to experience the world in a completely different way."  -John Maransky

Snippets

On the way to Big Sur, CA.  Taken in 2006.

Last night as I fell asleep I fantasized about getting in my car and driving to Big Sur. Whenever I have visions of flight, that is always where I imagine myself going.  As wide and alluring as the rest of the world is, there is something about Big Sur that makes me call it my favorite place on earth.  I go there and feel as if I am in my own private universe where nothing and no one can reach me.

*****

I had the sniffles all day yesterday, and for the entire day I kept wondering why this was happening.  "Is it allergies?  Am I just tired?" Finally, sometime after dinner, it finally dawned on me that it is nothing more than a mild cold.  It is so rare I actually get sick - one of the benefits of working at home and avoiding contact with people during all the various "seasons" (cold season, flu season) - that it took me hours to realize, "Hey, I'm sick!"

*****

I have yet to write much about the weekend of all weekends with these amazing beauties, but their most recent blog entries will give you a glimpse into some of the sparkle we experienced.  I will be throwing in my stories and snippets later this week, but for now I am still mulling it all over and basking in the glow of a transformative time.

*****

A huge thanks to everyone who commented on my entry about a new blog idea. I am saving all of them and collecting little scraps of inspiration, bits of insight and morsels of imagination, all of which continue to swirl around in my brain.  I will keep everyone posted on the status of this project.

*****

I continue setting my sights on 2008, as I have established a self-imposed deadline of the end of the year to figure out my next chapter as an artist and writer.  It is exciting, uncomfortable and challenging.  Believe it or not, the uncomfortable piece of that puzzle is the reason I know I'm on the right track.

*****

A little excerpt on the importance of Being Present.  Wishing you a Happy Tuesday.

 

Habits

Taken in Kyoto last month.

In this weekend's Wall Street Journal, there was a small article on some of the best books on succeeding in business.  I found their top five list very intriguing, most especially because more than half of the titles have female authors.  These titles managed to burn themselves on my brain the instant I read them, and ever since I snipped the article out of the paper and tacked it to the bulletin board in my studio I have been carrying them around like mantras, examining how their messages can help me get through the non-stop freight train of social obligations that has now landed on our front doorstep.

It is so easy to decide to make changes in our lives once this happens or that happens, once a certain period of time is over or certain obligations have been met, as in, "I'll start incorporating exercise into my routine after I've organized my cotton ball collection," or whatever real or imagined Very Important Task has been marked off our to do list.  I am now knee deep in the time of year when fun & frolic abounds, and I plan on enjoying it all, but there have also been certain changes I have wanted to incorporate into my life and I have decided that now is as good a time as any - perhaps the best time possible - to begin the process of changing certain habits and even sending some on their merry way.

None of these changes are terribly taxing or mind-boggling.  They don't feel overwhelming or daunting.  But sometimes the smallest of changes can feel paralyzing and I have found that it is always that very first step that is the most difficult to take.  I somtimes find myself standing in front of a new pathway for what feels like eons, letting myself get distracted by anything and everything, and when I finally decide to take that first step forward it is always the same reaction:  "Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be," and I just keep walking.  I may slip and stumble along the way, but once I've started I'm committed, and I always discover new delights I had not anticipated.

The past ten days or so have been surreal, magical, difficult, emotional and wondrous.  It has been a time of experiences through which I am shown that no matter how many things I may think aren't exactly right or figured out in my life, I must certainly be precisely where I am supposed to be, because I have been given gifts that most likely would not have been granted to me had I taken a single step differently at any given point in my life.  As if a certain confluence of events was only possible by me doing and being exactly, precisely who I am throughout every single day I have been on this earth.  Do we all feel those touchpoints, those instances where we are assured in every cell of our bodies that we are exactly where we are supposed to be?

It is in this glimpse of perfection in my life, in the experience of feeling God's love directly through the eyes of three extraordinary women, in the gift of glittery bags of tea from India and colorful handmade textiles from Afghanistan, in the stack of a month's worth of birthday cards that are now filling up my mailbox from my best friend, in the stories people have been willing to share with me, in the sound of my husband playing his violin, in my mom's laughter, in the effort of a profoundly generous woman who helped me raise more than $1700 for the Breast Cancer 3-Day, which I am participating in in less than two weeks...in all these moments and more, I am shown something very simple yet sometimes terribly difficult to believe:  that I am on the right path and I will always have all the love and support I need.

So I am stepping forward on a few different paths this morning, filled with the gratitude for all the blessings in my life, filled with hope that I am capable of creating small but significant changes in my daily routine, filled with the light that so many incredible souls have shared with me, filled with the understanding that in messes, mishaps, crying fits and disappointments, there are little jewels that have been carved out just for us as long as we're willing to do one small thing: accept them.

*************************************************

The list of "Five Best" books on succeeding in business from The Wall Street Journal.  Even if you aren't looking to maximize your profits or take your company public, these sound like fascinating reads.

* Personal Histroy by Katherine Graham
* The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp
* Winning by Jack Welch
* Never Check E-mail in the Morning by Julie Morgenstern
* The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

 

Minutes

Taken in Kyoto, Japan last month.

I sat down 22 minutes ago believing I had a full half hour for a blog entry, but for some reason my computer has decided it wants to take its own sweet time doing just about everything I try, including downloading pictures from this past weekend.  Such famous last words, when referring to anything done on a computer, "Oh, it will only take [insert time allotment here]..." and before you know it, a good chunk of your day has been gobbled up trying to figure out why things aren't working the way they are supposed to.

So I will have to keep this entry brief, as I am headed to LAX to see my girlies once more before they scatter to various parts of the planet.  More on their visit and the magic of our time together later, but in the meantime, I shall leave you with this:

The Sun Never Says

Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe
Me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the
Whole Sky.

-Hafiz

Pondering

Wing Study #17 :: 8" x 8" on wood

I am pondering a few ways to branch out my work as an artist and writer, and one of the ideas is a new blog.  I'm not sure if it would need to be an entirely new blog or just a beefing up of this one, but I would love as much feedback as possible from anyone and everyone.  The concept is still a tad fuzzy, but the more I discuss it with people, the more solidified it becomes, so any comments, ideas or requests that you have would be greatly appreciated.

The idea is to create a blog that is about all things inspiring, a clearinghouse of links, information, discussions, musings and resources for anything and everything that might possibly feed one's creative soul.  A brainstorm of possible features includes:

* Daily inpsirational quotes
* Weekly top ten links of inspirational websites, stories and articles
* Interviews and guest blog entries with people from all walks of life who are living their dream
* Discussions of various topics as they relate to creativity and the creative process (i.e. fear, money, getting started, success, etc.)
* Information about various shows, events, workshops, etc. around the country
* Regularly updated book, magazine, music and film lists and links
* Creative project outlines & instructions

There would be multiple entries each day and regular features each week; my job would be to scour the world in order to bring anything I think might be inspiring to anyone visiting my blog.

That is about as concrete as I can get at this point, so I'll pass the baton to you now...

* Does this sound interesting and useful?
* What are some topics you would like to see discussed on this blog?
* Are there any other inspiration-related blogs or websites you currently visit regularly?
* Any thoughts on how to make this website as accesssible as possible? In other words, I want this to be a blog that provides inspiration to anyone, not just "artists".  This blog would be about creativity and ways to tap into that for whatever one's passions are, whether that is painting, gardening, creating a home or getting in shape.

Please pass this link along to anyone who might be interested in this and/or could provide some valuable feedback.  Many, many thanks, and I'll keep you posted on how this develops.

In the meantime, here are a few places that have been inspring me as of late:

* Frida and Frida's photographs
* Ink On My Fingers and Colors On My Mind
* I love this woman's recent posts on color.
* I am so excited I have tickets to this film in early November.
* ...and also looking forward to the opening of Takashi Murakami's exhibition at MOCA

 

{Deep Breath}

This week is turning out to be one of those periods during which our front door becomes a revolving entryway for a myriad of guests who happen to be in need of an LA pit stop in the midst of other journeys. One friend here for a night before flying off to London; another needing a place to rest and re-group between Santa Barbara and Newport Beach.  The latter will be back here Thursday night on their way home; the following day three new guests will be here for a long weekend of what I know will be some of the most incredible girl time ever known to the universe.  This is always my main goal with whatever home I happen to be living in - to create a safe, cozy haven that can be filled with beautiful art, good music, and plenty of wild laughter, lazy naps and soulful dinner parties.  To be filled with travelers making their way all over the world.

I continue to exist in a strangely soft, mushy, quiet space where I look rather busy and productive on the outside, but on the inside I am doing my best to let my mind wander freely so I can see where it wants to take me.  The part of me that exists deep down in the caverns has decided to come forward and do whatever it can to keep my head in the clouds for as long as possible, knowing that once November hits, the holiday freight train will propel me forward at dizzying speeds and I won't have a lot of time to explore whatever it is she is searching for.   I have teeter-tottered between moments of incredible clarity and a profound sense of inner peace and episodes of panic, wondering why I can't seem to snap out of this peculiar mindset.  I don't even like that term "inner peace".  It sounds so pre-packaged and self-help-ish, but I don't know how else to describe in just two words the feeling of being able to completely shed my ego and false self - that self that thrives on approval from others and lives in fear of judgment. Somehow, some way, I have actually seen and felt the amazing gift of a direct connection to the divine where all things are possible and I have nothing - literally nothing - to worry about.  Ever.

I have lived with a heart-wrenching question for most of my life, a question of why I was not/have not been/am not currently worthy of someone's love, effort, devotion, etc.  I have applied this question to various people throughout my life, mainly those who I believe ought to have given that love to me out of an objective sense of integrity within whatever context they happened to be (usually family).  While I have posed this question with regard to a number of different relationships, it always ultimately goes back to one in particular, and while I still sometimes struggle with the abandonment I experienced, I have learned to embrace any number of very rational reasons why I need not take it personally.

This has been perhaps my greatest angst among a long list of angsts throughout my life thus far, this feeling of not being worthy. This feeling that another person experiences me and whatever I am trying to offer and makes the choice to turn away.   As if it were always a conscious choice.  As if it were at all personal.  As if it had anything to do with me.

My rational self has gotten its best workouts from these issues, as I have made the effort to build those "Don't Take Things Personally" muscles in many ways and over a long period of time.  So my rational self knows very well that I am only creating my own pain when I give these questions of worth in another person's eyes any serious consideration.  My emotional self has had a harder time, but there has been something in these "spiritual glimpses" of late that are beginning to show me the way to the most profound sense of healing and release I have ever known.

In The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, there is a line about one of the characters in the book that says, "You exist as Michael's mother only because you first exist as God's creature." What this says to me is that no matter who we are, what we do or whomever else we might have a connection to in this life, our connection to God exists above all of this.  While this quote does not say this explicitly, it also tells me that I may not be able to ever completely count on another person's love, but I can always count on God loving me, and if I ever lose sight of this, it will always be the beginning of losing my way.  I will be totally honest and say my glimpses into this Truth have so far been fleeting.  They are, in fact, almost frightening, as this desire to completely let go and Trust has become so entangled with Fear of Rejection that I am still getting used to the idea that old rules do not apply in this case.  Still, as fleeting as they may be for the time being, they are, quite simply, blissful.

I have never been a religous person, never gone regularly to church and have rarely been comfortable discussing spiritual ideas.  I don't know why this is, but talking about God feels awkward to me.  It feels so terribly personal and interior.  But as I write this I wonder if this might be the product of an old, unhealthy model - a way of existing and seeing myself in the world that I need no longer embrace.  This is what my inner explorations seem to be all about right now - questions of what premises and assumptions I am living my life by.   What beliefs have I been carrying around with me that I need to let go of, and what does this mean for my work as an artist, my role as a wife,  and my existence as a woman?  If I don't believe in storms, where will I go when it rains?

I am exploring questions, but not necessarily looking for answers. I am trying to solve a puzzle but know the pieces will soon change shape in such a way that whatever image I come up with will transform before I blink.  I am wandering through a world without a map, drawing a picture with invisible ink, listening to the most beautiful music in absolute silence.   I am floating, with my feet firmly planted on the earth.

It's Not Up To You

This photo is actually about the size of a business card, from a page of "cigarette photos" purchased at an outdoor book market in Havana.  In the 40s, if you bought a package of cigarettes in Cuba, they came with these small photos that people collected.  This is one of my favorite images.

The sky today is covered with soft, grayish clouds, the kind of weather that makes me feel incredibly sloth-ish, as if the cloud layer is a giant blanket begging me to crawl under it and just sleep the day away.  But there are always tasks to accomplish, and every day this week I have woken up committed to the idea of wrapping up everything that has been lingering on my to do list since I got home from Japan, and every day I have barely managed to get one or two things finished mainly thanks to a number of internet-related distractions.  I sometimes amaze my very self by the fact that my ability to be totally focused and committed exists alongside a propensity to distraction that is equally as strong.  Just this morning as I was doing my usual morning kichen clean-up, I saw that my little bamboo plant wasn't looking very happy and decided on the spot to dump it all out and re-pot it, washing off all the little rocks it lives in and trimming its yellow leaves.  It needed to be done, yes, but right then and there?

These contradictions and anamolies exist in all facets of my life. I believe in living in a place of gratitude yet I am capable of griping and complaining quite a bit.  I want to approach any situation, relationship or experience from a place of acceptance, but my judgemental high horse is always standing by ready for me to climb aboard.  I want to live without expectations but sometimes obsess over things that don't go as well as I think they could.

In all of these inconsistencies, in my day to day life, relationships and work my goal is not try to smother the side of the coin that I deem "negative", but to examine those behaviors and attitudes that don't fit in with the kind of person I strive to be.  I do believe in gratitude and these thoughts are part of every one of my days, yet lately I have been letting out a list of complaints a mile long about one specific situation I am struggling with.  I am being judgemental, not very compassionate and rather self-absorbed.  This isn't who I want to be, so what am I to do about it?  Berate myself? Punish myself?  Keep complaining and chalk it up to "it is what it is?"  Or stop, shut the hell up, and take a look at why I feel compelled to put so much focus on this particular situation when there are so many other positive things I can give my attention to.  When I sit still with this particular struggle, it is actually pretty easy to see where the angst is coming from.  The good news is that instead of it getting me down it is helping me realize that my reactions make quite a lot of sense in light of other totally unrelated circumstances in my life.  By understanding it I can begin to move away from the negative behavior and carry with me one more bit of insight and understanding that can help me through the depths down the road.

I don't believe in blaming myself for everything or taking responsibility for things that are not my doing, but I do believe in keeping the focus on my own behavior and being honest with myself rather than expending energy to point my finger at the rest of the world for whatever I happen to be struggling with.   The world, and all the people in it, is going to give you what it is going to give you. We each have the ability to take in what we want and try not to absorb what we don't and the only control we have over any of it is how we handle it, how we decide, as individuals, to move through whatever minefield is in front of us.

Or maybe, just maybe, in some of these situations, the mine field is actually a open plain of sunflowers, wanting nothing more than for us to run through it wildly with our heads thrown back and our arms open wide.

I wake up
And the day feels
Broken
I tilt my head
I'm trying to get an angle
'Cause the evening
I've always longed for
It could still happen

How do I master
The perfect day
Six glasses of water
Seven phonecalls

If you leave it alone
It might just happen
Anyway

It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Well it never really was
It's not up to you

If you wake up
And the day feels
Ah broken
Just lean into the crack
(Just lean into the crack)
And it will tremble
Ever so nicely
Notice
How it sparkles
Down there

I can decide
What I give
But it's not up to me
What I get given
Unthinkable surprises
About to happen
But what they are

It's not up to you
Well it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh, me, share
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
Oh, it never really was
It's not up to you
Well, it never really was
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
It's not up to you

There's too much
Clinging
To peak
There's too much
Pressure

It's Not Up To You, Bjork

 

Looking For A Bridge

Zen rock garden in Kyoto, Japan.  Taken last month.

For a very long time I wanted to creatively conquer the world and inspire as many people as possible to follow their dreams.  I was 25 years old when a clear idea of how I might be able to do this came to me and 28 years old when I embarked upon that journey.  That journey was Swirly.  And against all odds, all the competition, all the things I didn't know how to do and all the things I did wrong, I actually did it.  No, I didn't become Oprah huge, but in the universe of the work I did as an artist, I made a significant mark and it is one of my proudest achievements.  These days it is not over and done with, but I took my creative focus away from it a while ago, which was the best thing for me to do as an artist and a woman.

Since then I have been putting my energies toward an entirely different creative universe, and while I have had some great successes with that as well, it is such a different beast that I'm still not entirely sure I want to become too entrenched in it.  The world I am in now revolves around "fine art", galleries, shows, and selling original work to those who are able to see it as a result of my own marketing and efforts or those of the galleries I am in.  With Swirly, my work was being dispersed many times over through everything from greeting cards to watches, aided by sales reps across the country, licensing agents and licensing partners.  Swirly was about volume, product placement and brand recognition; the work I am doing now is about wanting my work to move and inspire people in such a way that they simply cannot live without having it on their wall.  Both kinds of audiences - "markets" if you will - and purchases can be emotional and valuable, but one requires a great deal more thought and investment from the buyer, particularly as prices for original work goes up.

I have very mixed feelings about the idea of trying to pursue a level of success that will ensure that many people cannot afford my original work.  I am not interested in undervaluing the work I do, but I feel like I am straddling two worlds, or maybe the better term is two mindsets - one, which I lived by for a very long time, was about wanting to share my work as widely as possible and earning an income was all about volume.  The second is also about wanting to share my work as widely as possible, but earning an income is more about developing a strong enough following as an artist that my work commands higher prices and therefore volume is not the goal.  I have actually lost interest in trying to have my name or "brand" plastered on as many things as possible, because I am so sick and tired of reading about all of these people wanting to create their own "lifestyle brands" and people who are so desperate for fame that they subject themselves to reality TV shows and the like.  I'm not sure why this obsession with fame has grown to such a fever pitch in our society, but I find it rather disturbing.  Do this many people feel so alone and invisible in the world that they can't be happy simply being themselves?

But I digress.  I am not exactly sure where these questions of late are taking me, but I feel stuck between two questions with no bridge in sight.   On the one hand, I am completely fed up with the notion that I must somehow compensate for the very fortunate fact of being able to say I am an artist by undervaluing my work.  On the other hand, I have an almost visceral aversion to the idea of trying to create any kind of "hype" or "cache" around my work as an artist in order make the right people believe they ought to be paying thousands of dollars for one painting.  I'm not sure I want to become part of that race.  I'm not sure I'd like the rules.

It is a gift and a curse to feel compelled to examine so many things, to ask questions and to be willing to follow them without any kind of map.  But this is who I am and I'm not foolish enough to think I can turn this part of myself off.  There is also no chance I will ever be able (or willing) to turn away my creative self, so maybe the specifics of that journey aren't as important as I sometimes think they are - as long as I am an artist, I am being true to myself and that alone makes a positive impact on the world.  When I travel, I prefer to take each day as it comes, avoid a lot of plans and to wander, wander, wander.  That is what I am trying to do now with all of the questions swirling around in my brain.  Rather than try to tackle them hard and beat the answers out of them, I'm trying to just take them for long walks and see what they have to show me.  Maybe I won't find a bridge, but I bet I see a lot of cool stuff along the way.

 

To Being Still

Don,t touch.  No, that's not a typo.  Check out the sign in the lower left hand corner.  I actually didn't even notice that when I took the photograph.  I noticed it just now.  Taken in Asakusa, Tokyo last month.

After getting through the new problems that inevitably arise whenever I get the hair-brained idea to re-design my entire website, it is finally up and running.  The issues I encountered trying to get the new pages uploaded are still mystery problems that will someday need to get solved, but for now I accepted having to work around whatever glitches found their way into my computer since the last time I sent new files to my server.  I did manage to solve a few hiccups on my own, though, and for some reason finding the answers to website questions is mightily gratifying.  I particularly love the bugs that require me to delve into the source code to see what might be clogging my work.  It is the yin to my messy, impulsive, creative yang that ends up covered in paint and glitter at the end of a day in my studio.  One side needs the other and they each serve a purpose in my life.

It is an oddly quiet time for me.  There are projects to do, a couple of deadlines and a few significant personal projects on the horizon, but this week my calendar is entirely clear and today I am actually feeling fairly crappy with a sore throat threatening to take over.  It is tempting to slog through it and stay at my computer because I don't feel entirely miserable and sitting here working isn't necessarily taxing, but I think the message I am getting at this exact moment is to take a break.

There have been so many times when I've wished I could flip a switch and turn the world off, just for one day here and there.  Then last week I got this very opportunity when the power was down on my block for more than 12 hours.  From 9:30am until who knows when that night - as I went to bed by candlelight - there was no computer, no lights, no internet, no nothing.  And it drove me crazy.  I am proud of the fact that I didn't let it get me completely out of sorts, for I reminded myself that there are plenty of other people in the world who have to deal with these kind of inconveniences all the time, including my friend/superhero Frida, but I was still caught off guard by how much it annoyed me.  How I couldn't help but say to myself, "This is messing up my plans!" I not only got irritated, but I was also hell-bent on Getting Things Done anyway.

Today is a different story, and even though the power is up and running just fine, I am now going to flip a switch and turn the world off, at least for a few hours.  My method of immediately attaching myself to the couch when I feel any inkling of illness is a tried and true practice.  It is almost as if the cold, flu or other random bug comes looking for all kinds of action and activity so it can multiply and take over, but instead I sit still and it gets totally bored and therefore decides to just go away.

Here's to lying on the couch on a sunny day in order to avoid being stuck on the couch for an entire week, to hot cups of tea, the wind singing softly outside and my most comfy sweats.  Here's to being still.

 

Being Seen

Sweets in a Kyoto marketplace.  Taken last month.

Between brutal jet lag and an entire day without power, last week felt slightly surreal.  It is all too true that any journey has the potential to create change within ourselves, but I returned from Japan with a stronger feeling of awkwardness than I had anticipated.  As if, while I was away, all the furniture in my house had been re-arranged, but no one told me and it took a few days to realize that is why everything felt slightly cock-eyed.  Once I saw things had moved from their original place, it took some time to get used to the new arrangement, and I am still figuring out how to maneuver in the new scheme of things.

Over the weekend there was an event that, for various reasons, was something I had very mixed feelings about.  A joyous occasion on the surface, but beneath the glimmer a lot of deep emotions and wounds were swirling around wildly.  On the day of this event, I took a strenuous, hilly training walk and then went to a friend's house for her daughter's 2nd birthday.  It was then time for me to face the next chapter in the day with as smiley a face as I could muster, and I wasn't sure I could pull it off.  I listened to Buddhist lectures on my ipod all morning, visualized letting go of all the negative thoughts and feelings festering in my mind and gave myself a tough workout to try to exhaust the negativity out of me, but there was a part of me that, admittedly, was still clinging to the idea of being stubborn and, quite frankly, too self-involved to set my feelings aside for the sake of others around me.  I wanted to hold on to at least a tiny bit of my pain, as if by this strange, interior act of defiance I would assure a certain twisted sense of integrity.  Something along the lines of, "If I'm not 100% authentic in my openness and generosity in this situation, then I'm honoring the pain I've experienced and acknowledging my most wounded self."

It sounds so silly now, but it made perfect sense just yesterday.

When I got back home, someone initiated a conversation with me that I was not expecting, a conversation in which this person acknowledged - out loud and with a completely open and compassionate heart - how difficult the next many hours would most likely be for me, how on so many levels and for so many reasons my emotions would be tugged in this direction and that direction, all reminding me of some of the darkest places in my past.  In a nutshell, what this person said to me was, "I see you," and while I had not realized it until that moment, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  It was one of the sweetest moments of life, I tell you, one of those instances where the relief of feeling understood and acknowledged is so palpable as to almost have its own aroma.  A moment where you realize that sometimes the most profound gift you can give to those you love is the willingness to walk through your own emotional fires.  Quietly.  Without fanfare.  Without any expectation that anyone will ever really appreciate how much courage you had to muster to open your very own heart.  Because the truth is that if anyone else around you has any compassion whatsoever, they most assuredly understand the gift you are offering.

The ultimate effect of this recognition has taken me quite by surprise, and has occurred so quickly that I am almost tempted to be skeptical of it, but deep down I know it is genuine.  You see, for a long while now I have kept a tiny bubble within myself reserved especially for a certain agonizing, infuriating experience, and there were all kinds of very rational, yes-that-makes-sense reasons while I felt justified in doing so.  But the instant this conversation occurred, it was as if the person who initiated it put a pin to my little bubble, in the most delicate way, and ever since it happened that bubble of anger has simply...melted.  What now seems painfully obvious is that I don't need that bubble, it serves no purpose, and it is an unbelievable relief not to have to carry it around with me anymore.  That bubble is from the past.  It has no place here in the present, so I can let it dissipate quietly.  Without fanfare.  Without any expectation that anyone will ever understand how surprising and beautiful this release really is.

As much as I preach about living in the present, it is sometimes a herculean task to do so, for it often involves our willingness to FORGIVE in blazing neon letters and take a sledgehammer to our fears and heartaches.  While fear, heartache and negativity might not be "fun", in some ways they can be quite comfortable; they can feel safe, familiar and oddly enough, rather soothing.  But the truth is that this type of safety is a mirage, and the more we cling to these little bubbles of anger and resentment, the more roadblocks we face in our attempts at becoming whole and as deeply compassionate as possible.  I still have bubbles to burst and jungles to conquer, but I will carry this experience with me now and pull it out when I need to - a poison arrow for the next resentful snake that slithers into my consciousness, a silver dagger for whatever emodiment of rage tries to stand in my way.

"If it is love you are looking for, take a knife and cut off the head of fear."  Rumi