Swirly Girl

OCD Me Is All Aquiver...

In my own kooky way, it is all actually very organized...

People who know me well, and know the side of me that salivates at the thought of a shopping spree at The Container Store, know that one of the biggest slices of the Fun Pie I am now enjoying has to do with the fact that I get to be an organizing fiend.  I am pulling out beautiful papers, vintage magazines and stacks of photographs and assorting them into new binders, cello sleeves and big plastic envelopes to share with future workshop participants.  At the moment my studio looks like it barfed a mountain of paper, but bit by bit, piece by piece, I am arranging things into new piles and systems to enable me to create more fluidly, brainstorm new ideas and now teach.  I love these periods where my only job is to get things in order, and it has always been my pattern to do this kind of work way ahead of time.  Most of the packages I am assembling right now won't be used for well over a month, but I am a notorious early bird on many levels.  I am early to most appointments, early to lunch dates, early to getting things done.  Example:  90% of my Christmas shopping is done, and as I write this I think, is this inspiring or does it just make me look like a complete freak?

In addition to re-organizing the contents of my studio, I also got to put together a fun-filled suitcase on wheels full of shiny new art supplies for teaching:

Contents:  big jars of acrylic paint, brushes, colored pencils, regular pencils, watercolor paints, watercolor pencils, scissors, sponge brushes, varnish, glue sticks, pencil sharpeners, books, oil pastels, soft pastels, fat plastic envelopes stuffed with paper, hole punches, rubber stamps, glitter glue and other creative tools.

I am an artist capable of wild, exuberant, right brain frenzies who also happens to have a left brain that doesn't like to miss out on the fun.  In certain areas of my life, I actually have to work to let go of certain things and be OK with disorder and messiness.  In my creative life, I also strive to maintain a certain level of precision in my work.  I sometimes wonder if I am too much of a control freak, but whenever I ponder that question I realize it is not a matter of control that drives me but instead a desire to avoid wasting energy.  It takes energy to run behind schedule as a rule, to miss deadlines, to be sloppy and to approach tasks with a half-ass attitude.  It takes energy because these things often require we go back to them, have to fix them, must somehow make up for them.  I can't remember who said it, but one of my favorite quotes says, "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, do you have time to do it over?"  This is a question I ask myself whenever I'm feeling lazy, ambivalent or in some way rebellious.

Having said all of this, these past few months I have embraced a more relaxed approach to my life.  While I strive to be the kind of person who does things right the first time, I have also come to appreciate why limits need to be placed on the desire to be Super Woman.  Even my best friend has commented numerous times lately, "Who are you?  You, who are slacking off, unorganized and not jumping up and down to be The One Who Takes Care Of Everything.  What the hell is going on?"  We have laughed about this repeatedly, and I admit I have felt a perverse thrill around the idea that those closest to me are experiencing a new, less on the ball Christine.  I feel like a little girl getting away with some sort of mischief, and I think it has been a healthy release.

This week, however, I get to be the Organizer.  The One Who Has It All Together, me with my brown and pink rolling suitcase, me with a vision to bring creativity into the lives of others in a fresh, new way.  I'll be very precise and very orderly this week, so that in the future I can create an environment that is all about letting go, getting messy and having fun.  It takes both sides.  As in all things in life, it takes that kind of balance.

Back Doors

Original painting created a few years ago.

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After having spent a period of many months letting a number of ideas swirl around in my brain, I think I envisioned a day when I would eventually sit down and officially begin whatever specific visions formed in my mind.  As in, "Today is the day I will map out these plans and those plans, and at that moment I will have definitely started." What has happened instead is that without even realizing it, I have begun a number of projects that have thus far only existed in my imagination, and I've managed to make my way to these new paths through some peculiar back doors.  The lesson being that if I allow myself to just play once in a while, and let my attention wander where it wants, I can make important discoveries about myself and the direction my work needs to take.

My original plans for yesterday were to get in my studio early and create all day.  While I got a number of important and gratifying things done in the morning, more than anything they kept me distracted from my goal of being a creative Tasmanian Devil.  By the time I actually had my art apron on and was getting messy with art supplies, it was almost 2:00pm.  I started in my journal, deciding that because it had been so long since I was actually an Artist, I needed time to just create without boundaries or goals.  As I worked, I kept pulling out new bins, binders and boxes of papers, and soon realized I had a lot of beautiful papers that had been sitting on my shelves for many, many months.  I was in one of my purging moods, so I decided I was going to let go of what I wasn't using and fill a bag for the recycling bin.

Then an idea came to me - what if I created packages of fun paper packs and sold them online?  I could pass along some beautiful papers, as well as bits and pieces from my travels, and encourage more people to get creative by offering them some colorful tools.  So I began organizing stacks of papers, dividing them up in fun piles and enjoying seeing different patterns, colors, vintage magazine images and even portions of maps of Buenos Aires all mixed together.  I started packaging them in clear cello sleeves and imagining how much fun they would be for anyone who received them in the mail.

And then another idea came to me - I have been thinking and talking about offering creativity workshops next year, so maybe I should hold on to these and they could be part of an art goodie bag I give to participants.  I stay on this path, and begin to think more about how these workshops might be structured, and how I could encourage participants to continue creating beyond any Art Night they share with me and their friends.

And then I realize - the new year is right around the corner, and I need to get going on this.  So this morning I send an email to a group of women in the area offering two creativity workshops in the next two weeks.  If I'm going to do workshops, I need some trial runs, and now is as good a time as any to get going.

Who knew my strange passion for paper, my love of organizing and my desire to inspire others would all collide on a Monday and propel me into action on Tuesday?  I had no idea I would actually start this whole workshop thing this week.  In fact, I had mindlessly set it aside as Something I Would Start Next Year, but once I started thinking about the nuts and bolts of it, I realized there was no reason to put it off.  The time to begin was now.

I am still giggling at this funny little side benefit of being a workshop organizer who offers packs of paper as a gift to all of my participants - I am actually going to have a reason to scour antique stores, vintage magazines and paper boutiques all the time.  I get to bring all of these treasures home and re-package them for the sole purpose of encouraging creativity in the lives of others.  I get to share this peculiar passion of mine in an inspiring way and savor all the eye candy in the process.

I realized something terribly important these past few months.  I am an artist, yes, but that particular title exists within a larger piece of my identity.  What I want to do more than anything is INSPIRE, and do my part to create a wider pool of light in the world.  My highest priorities in life do not center around getting my work into a museum or becoming a rock star artist; my deepest convictions center around being a positive force in the world.  Quirky as it may sound, I actually tapped into that energy while sitting on my studio floor yesterday dividing up beautiful papers and sliding them into clear envelopes.  Through that very simple act, I was spurred into action, and my first steps as a teacher have been taken.  Wish me luck.

"To begin, begin."  -Peter Niviozarlenga

And So It Goes

Conversations with myself today...

6:15am:  Good Morning!  It has been weeks - weeks, I tell you - since any serious creative work has been done in your studio and today the dry spell ends.  Today is your day!  Your day to create!  Hooray!

8:00 - 9:00am:  Here you are enjoying the morning with your husband, having your coffee, doing the crossword puzzle, cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast.  You'll be in your studio in mere minutes, woo hoo!

9:15am:  [Cursing your husband for asking you to drive him to work at the last minute along with, oh, can I also pick up the dry cleaning and stuff for dinner?]  Growl.  Try not to cry.  Precious studio minutes are being lost waiting for the driver in front of me driving ten miles UNDER the speed limit!!!!

10:00am:  FINALLY we're in!  I know I could have gotten totally annoyed at the two women who stopped me to ask about our house as I was taking the trash cans out, but there were so fun, friendly and fabulous I didn't mind taking a little time to chat and show them our kitchen.  Maybe I've just met two new friends.  A SCORE for this city!

11:00am:  Now that I've made my phone calls - including one to this extraordinary creative soulmate -  cleared off my art table and changed into grubby art clothes, I think I'll do a little work on my new blog.  It won't launch until the new year, but it needs a lot of structuring and there are plenty of entries I can do ahead of time.  Just a few minutes, I promise...

1:00pm:  I'm starving now, go eat lunch.  P.S.  You still haven't created anything today.  Not that I'm trying to lay some kind of guilt trip on you or anything but geez, get on with it woman.

1:21pm:  Since the day is now HALF OVER and my grand plans of getting messy, spilling open creatively and diving back into my art supplies haven't come to fruition in the slightest, I think it is time to put on some great music, step away from the computer, and GO CREATE.

It's about damn time....

Four-O

My husband - whose let me highjack his birthday Friday for my birthday party - with Melissa, Blair & me before the festivities began.

I keep a very organized, color-coded iCal on my computer.  Green for work appointments, organge for social plans, gold for travel, pink for birthdays, etc.  The past month shows more orange type than anything, and I am about ready to order new business cards that say "Bed and Breakfast Proprieter" instead of "Artist".  Our house has been a whirlwind of fun, fun and more fun, and I am savoring today - a day clear of obligations until dinner - so that I can get things back in order before the next round of guests arrive in two days.  I would like to say things will start to slow down now, but we are actually smack in the middle of the plethora of parties, guests and other events that have been on our calendar since this summer.

More than getting the house back in shape, however, I am thankful for a quiet day so I can reflect on everything that has transpired under this roof since mid-October.  Honestly, I don't think one day is sufficient enough to deeply examine the impact of so many beautiful moments and experiences, but I am thankful for this tiny window of silence when I can savor these memories as I fold laundry, change sheets and empty the trash.

I turned 40 yesterday, and I feel as if I have been thrown joyously up into the sky by an amazing community of friends and family to soar higher than I have ever been.  You know those scenes in the beach movies from the 60s where a bikini-clad babe is being tossed up from a sheet by a bevy of hunky boys?  That is what the past month has felt like, only the sheet has been held by powerful women, lifelong friends, faraway soulmates and yes, hunky boys too.  There have been a few moments where I was bounced the wrong way and landed hard on the ground, but despite a few tough knocks I was never left to recover alone.  The power of all the love and support I have received through every single moment has far outweighed any discontent, melancholy or sadness, and in many ways I feel like I was saved over these past few weeks.  Saved from a fear I've carried with me for far too long that I will end up alone, saved from the anxiety that if I don't do enough, give enough or share enough some form of catastrophe will strike and I will be abandoned and left to fend for myself.

Between a weekend of wildfires and fierce, soul-full connections with these three beauties, meeting another extraordinary human being who my husband has known for more than 25 years, participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, and then having a wild, dance-filled birthday celebration with friends who came from Washington, DC, Raleigh, Santa Barbara and all over Los Angeles, I have been shown again and again that I need never fear I will be without love in my life.  This is a fear I can safely pack up and ship off to Never-Never Land,  and I must say it is a profound relief to know I can release this negativity with confidence.

Last spring I had a short period of freaking out about my impending 40th birthday, but it dissipated quickly.  Since then the strongest emotion I have felt about this milestone is gratitude.  Life is full of many perils that end lives far too soon, and I feel incredibly fortunate to have made it to my fourth decade.  It is a strange experience to think about the fact that, statistically speaking, I'm about halfway through this journey.  I have a respectful awareness of the limitations of my physical self, an awareness that it will only last so much longer before another journey can begin.  The beauty of this next chapter is that I am living more fully and snugly in my own skin than ever before, and thankfully I have a catalog of lessons learned to guide me through whatever goals, dreams, challenges and endeavors await me.

This past month, I believe I may have learned the most important lesson of all - that it doesn't matter how much art I sell, how much money I make, what galleries I'm in or how "successful" my business is.  These things might inspire people, but they aren't that thing that makes anyone around me feel that own glimmer of passion in their own hearts.   I believe the most inspiring thing any of us can do is to live authentic lives and be fully present in each moment, to be true to our selves and appreciate the perfection in every imperfect experience.  We are all making our way through a complicated world that is filled with distractions, heartaches, and complications.  We all have sad stories to tell.  We all have unfulfilled dreams.  Some of us have had broken bones and most of us have had our share of broken hearts.  We are all on a quest for meaning, trekking through our own internal jungles to find the answers we seek.  The more we follow our own intuition and deep voice of wisdom, the more our souls shine, creating points of light that makes it easier for anyone around us to find their own true path.

We can shine our lights in so many ways, large and small.  By creating a cozy sancutary in our home for faraway guests.  By writing a meaningful blog entry.  By creating a work of art, writing a poem or dancing like a lunatic on YouTube.  By crying when we need to.  By laughing unabashadly.  By saying no.  By saying yes.  By saying I love you.  By making mistakes and being grumpy.  It all creates light, and the world needs as much light as possible.  Light from me.  Light from you.  Light from every smile, every kind word, every daring leap.

Confession

Taken in Big Sur in 2002.

"I confess that I consider life to be a thing of the most untouchable deliciousness, and that even the confluence of so many disasters and deprivations, the exposure of countless fates, everything that insurmountably increased for us over the past few years to become a still rising terror cannot distract me from the fullness and goodness of existence that is inclined toward us.  There would be little sense in approaching you with good wishes if each wish were not preceded by this conviction that the goods of life arise pure, undamaged, and, at their very bottom, desirable out of upheaval and ruin."  -Rilke

60 Miles

A few items collected over the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

The journey began many months ago when I signed up for the San Diego Breast Cancer 3-Day.  The next step was the start of my training, which eventually led to me walking an average of more than 30 miles a week.  I then had to start my fundraising.  I was required to raise a minimum of $2200, decided to shoot for $5000 and ended up raising more than $5700.  Between walking almost everyday and writing a stack of thank you cards each week, my feet and my hands were getting the biggest workouts ever.  This past Thursday the official adventure finally began and after picking up a rental car in Santa Monica, my best friend and I were headed to San Diego to walk 60 miles over three days with more than 4600 other walkers, all of whom collectively raised more than $12 million.

We got to have lunch with the Delight-Full Denise before hooking up with the rest of our team of 13, a group of amazing women from all over the country.  We ate pizza together Thursday night before meeting up again at 5:00am the next day to begin our weekend.  And what a weekend it was.  Walking, walking and more walking...three days of three beautiful routes alongside the ocean, up monstrous hills and through lovely neighborhoods.  Three days during which we were cheered on by hundreds and hundreds of supporters who offered us applause, well wishes, candy, tissues, granola bars, water, stickers and countless shouts of "Great job!" and "Thank you for walking!"  Every step of the way people were there to give us the energy we needed to cover all those miles despite aches and pains that increased exponentially each day.

Did I mention we had to rest our weary selves in sleeping bags each night after walking 20+ miles?  That we warmed up in mobile showers and ate our dinner at tables long enough to seat 50 people?  That we shared a city of pink tents with thousands of walkers and crew members, shared moans and groans from stiff muscles, blisters, and sore feet?  That the best way to describe the visual scene is to say it was a lot like Burning Man but without the drugs, with walkers and cheerleaders dressed in tutus, pink wigs, butterfly wings, bee costumes, chicken outfits and tiaras?

It is a daunting task to try to come up with a description of all the emotions, to try to explain what this experience was really like.  It is hard to imagine a statement with enough depth, energy and impact to capture the way my heart was bursting open by the time we were walking the final two blocks to the closing ceremonies with crowds of people lining both sides of the street clapping, cheering and smiling at us.  But it is sometimes the smaller of the stories that says it all...those few moments in the midst of a thousand extraordinary moments that stays in the forefront of your mind after everything is over and all the pink balloons have been released.

Throughout the walk there was one man who kept appearing, standing alongside our route by himself clapping and cheering.  And let me tell you, with more than 4600 walkers he was standing, clapping and cheering for a loooooong time at each of his stops.  We saw him at least three times a day and every day he always wore a laminated photograph of two young women around his neck.  On the second day we stopped to talk to him, and he explained that the women in the photo were his sister and his daughter-in-law, both of whom died from breast cancer, one of whom left his son and one year old grandson behind.  This man was not bitter or weepy or angry; he almost seemed happy to share his story and share the picture of these beautiful angels in his life, and he cheered and smiled and clapped and yelled all weekend long.  It is this man I keep thinking of, and the women in the photo around his neck, because at the end of the day these are the people we were all walking for.   It is easy to get caught up in the fun and frolic of the event, the  tired-ness, the sore-ness, the sometimes profound desire to get back home to our own beds and showers, but more than anything this weekend was about walking.  Because we could walk.  Because we were healthy.  Because we made a commitment that not everyone is able to make.  Because sometimes that is the best reason to go for an outrageous goal that you know will be difficult and perhaps even painful at times.

Because you are here.  Because you can.

Because It's Fun

For many reasons the past few weeks have been a time of awakening.  Fears and uncertainties are melting away and ideas are solidifying; messages and gifts are coming to me in a variety of delightful packages and I am open to receiving as much sparkle as possible.  Throughout all of this, what I feel more than anything is a sense of fun.  I haven't started creating business plans, I haven't organized many thoughts on paper and I have only taken a few steps towards the goals I envision for myself in 2008, but I am waking up each day with a renewed sense of wonder and a deeper appreciation for all the ways each moment in our lives make up the greater whole.  How it isn't just the grand dreams we accomplish, but also the tiny - perhaps quite silly - things we do that bring a sense of adventure into our lives and in the process inspire others.

The amazing and Wonder-Full Woman Jen Gray gave me an extraordinary gift this week, a gift that will put a smile on my face until I take my last breath.  What I loved so much about what she did is that she expressed her fun and silly self with total abandon, and it made me realize that despite having a goofy side myself, it had been quite a while since I had really put something out there that was truly, blissfully SILLY. 

After watching Jen's sparklicious performance, I was immediately inspired to return the favor.  I then almost instantly retreated into a variety of frivolous worries - I don't want to steal her idea, I don't want to look like a dork, what if someone doesn't like it, etc. etc.  Fortunately this lasted all of about five seconds, because I then remembered one of my favorite SARK-isms - Be willing to do it badly - and I thought, "Why NOT?!" 

So I decided to take a stab at my own hammy dedication for two reasons.  One, because I absolutely love and am incredibly inspired by what Jen did (not to mention honored) and two, because I thought it could be a totally fun challenge to put this out there and see if perhaps it could inspire more of you to do the same, and maybe over the next many months we all set aside at least a little bit of time to be totally, completely, unabashadly loopy.

Jen my dear, this is most especially for you, because this will always be our song, and I would also like to send special dedications to The Beauties and to Marianne, Denise and Susannah.

Who's next?

Shedding Skin

Photo of me taken by the extraordinarily talented Denise.

Things have been still in my studio for some time now, the one shining exception being the blissful evening spent with these three lovelies creating like crazy, with splotches of paint, scraps of paper and bits of glitter all over my floor by the time our art frenzy was done.  The canvas tarp that usually covers up my floor is rolled up for the time being; all works in progress are stacked neatly on my shelves.  Books are put away, works from one of my recent shows are lined up on the floor according to size, my art table is orderly.  Most of the work I have been doing lately has been on websites, on writing, on spending time with a beautiful array of guests that have been streaming in and out of our house.  I have also been walking a lot to prepare for next week's Breast Cancer 3-Day, raising donations and getting all the details in order for this amazing adventure.  In many ways my creative work has been quiet and still; in other ways there has been a flurry of activity that has helped me sort out my thoughts on where I want to go with my work in the new year.

I am a Doer.  I set my mind to something and heaven help anyone who decides to get in my way, although admittedly I have softened a bit, realizing that often times making dreams real involves a lot of patience and compromise.  I have always had this drive in me and always had a deep desire to live a bold, creative, passionate life.  Most of the time this way of being in the world has served me, but lately I have been questioning a lot of the premises upon which my choices and actions are based.  I don't necessarily think I've been wrong, but I came to realize it was time to examine certain belief systems that up until then I had pretty much taken for granted.  Are the structures I have thus far centered my life around still working?  Necessary?  Helpful? 

I have let it be OK for the past month or so that my paintbrushes sat quietly in the variety of jars they call home.  I have not put pressure on myself to plan anymore shows, organize events or create an action plan for 2008.  All I have done is let my mind wander, and talked to just about anyone who would listen about the various ideas dancing around in my head.  With each day, each conversation and each brainstorm, ideas have solidified and taken shape.  Without really deciding This Is One Thing I Am Definitely Going To Do, I started building my new blog.  Without really knowing precisely how I am going to orchestrate it, I have already presented another idea to a few people who I know can help me get it off the ground.  And without resisting a sudden urge to get out of bed last night to act on an idea that came bouncing into my brain the instant the lights were turned out, I crept downstairs to my computer to share this idea with my possible co-horts to say "Are you game?"  I simply could not wait until morning; the idea came to me so vividly and forcefully I had no choice but to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

I am not planning on ditching my entire identity to become someone or something new, but for whatever reason I have managed to release certain belief systems, ideals and concepts about what it means to be "successful" and "good", and in releasing these I have made room for new constructs, new approaches and a flurry of new possibilities.  I wrote about expanding the labels I put on Who I Am in this month's issue of All Things Girl, and when I wrote that I was at the beginning of this journey of exploration and questioning.  I still don't have things completely figured out, but I feel a new awakening, a blossoming that could not have occurred had I kept going along with the status quo.  Sometimes it takes a close inspection of the deepest held beliefs we have about ourselves to uncover those doorways that will lead us to worlds we never knew existed.  Worlds within our lives, within our relationships, within our work and within our connection to the world.

I have taken a pickax to the walls before me and a piercing light has burst through.  I'm still a little blinded by it, but have started to see the flora and fauna beyond the portal, and it is extraordinary.  I still have much to learn and work to do, but I'm on my way and there's no turning back.

Onward I go.