Swirly Girl

Yeah Fish & Chips!

Today has been a day of walking along the beach in the rain, delicious girl talk, a movie, Bournemouth's best fish & chips and a few Stellas for good measure.  Tomorrow we're off to London where we'll hit Portobello Market on Saturday and find who knows what other kind of mischief.  How lovely it is to be able to  share time with someone who lives across an ocean, who I don't get to see very often, with no pressure to do anything or be anything or see anything in particular, but to simply enjoy our visit as if we saw each other every week.

Head over to Susannah's blog for a few more photos. 

 

No Separation

I am still learning how easily it is to become attached to habits, patterns and ways of thinking that actually don't serve me, how comfortable those places can be simply because they are familiar even though they create a fair amount of angst.  How many times have I written of the topsy turvy nature of the past few years and all the ways my personal life has pulled me away from my creative life?  Answer:  so many times I'm beginning to bore myself with the topic.

Now that the moves are over and I have no shows on the calendar for the next many months (in fact, there are no official show dates on my calendar at all for the rest of the year, only potential dates I am now considering for this fall), I am able to embrace an approach to everything I do that isn't at all about trying to separate all the various pieces of pie that make up my life.  And this mindset isn't just about a more holistic lens through which to view everything I do, but about developing a deep understanding of the nature of what it means to be fully human, fully creative and fully alive, where it is possible for every action, choice and moment to exist in perfect harmony.   I say this with an awareness of how much easier said than done this often is, but I am also experiencing more and more firsthand knowledge that this reality exists, that it is possible for every tiny piece of my life to interconnect in a way that makes my life feel like less of a pressure-filled balancing act and more like an extraordinary, creative experiment where every act, no matter how mundane, has the potential to contribute to the kind of life I want to create.

Instead of seeing various compartments of my life as competing with one another - where time spent in one box feels like it is taking away from time spent in another - I am trying to develop an approach where all the walls and doors are gone and everything I do is part of a greater whole and plays an integral role in my creative journey.

The impetus for this leap came from the project that is my main focus for this year - my book.  A book that has been in the works in various permutations for a few years now, a book that I am now 100% committed to above any other creative project.  My mantra for the book is as follows: the book is the process of my life is the book is the process....and on and on.  I realized that one of the blocks that was keeping me from actually finishing the book was the notion that the book was somehow separate from other areas of my life, that for as long as I had too many "personal distractions" I couldn't create the book I wanted to create.

And then I woke up.

And now I am writing and running errands and creating and experimenting.  I am taking walks and traveling across the Atlantic and doodling and reading and spending quite nights at home with takeout Thai food.  I am listening to music, sweeping our patio, grocery shopping and being lazy.  And it is all part of one giant creative stew, where the more mixed up I can make things, the more interesting everything is, where I can come home from a lunch date with a friend and fill three pages in my journal with thoughts about our conversations.  Even this moment, where I am still in my pajamas, getting hungry for lunch and tired of sitting at my computer after being here all morning.  I will finish this entry, have a snack, go for a walk and then do a little dabbling in my studio.  I will pack for my trip to London and complete my business tax renewal form.  And instead of looking at anything that doesn't feel like it should fall under the category called "Creative Acts" I'll remove the categories altogether and see where all those tiny bits of inspiration and wisdom are hiding today, waiting for me to notice them, usually right under my nose.

Inward

The last couple of days have given a dull gray finish to the sky with a bit of drizzle here and there and a slight nip in the air.  I went for a walk around my block this morning to take pictures, and immediately fixed myself a cup of tea when I got back home.  I have become a bona fide whimp living in California for more than a dozen years, and love the fact that I get to spend the rest of today in my cozy studio.

I do not have any shows on my calendar for the next many months, and after last year's whirlwind of trying to take advantage of every opportunity I had to show my work, I am just fine with this.  I am working on projects, pieces and creations that are part of a much longer term goal, and being able to relax and get comfortable in the process of this endeavor feels downright luxurious.  I am simply creating and creating and creating and worrying about the order of things later.  Last year's routine of setting a numeric goal, as in, "I want to have ten new pieces for this show," has been flung unceremoniously out the window.

My greatest challenge right now is that I want to start showing a lot of my new work, but I need to let it sit quietly without any kind of audience for the time being.  I feel a certain pressure to always be putting my latest work out in the world, pressure that exists from old voices telling me I must continually prove to the world I am an artist.  I am not trying to squash these voices as much as let them have their tantrums all they want while I simply go on working.  Sometimes you have to invite your demons right through your front door and serve them tea and cookies, and before too long you'll realize they aren't giant ogres with sharp claws and blazing eyes, but frightened children that have tiny arms and feet.

I continue to open myself up more fully and completely to the process of living, creating and sharing, to the ideal of constructing a life that reflects my values and passions and gifts.  Even though I am walking through this life connected to people without whom I would whither, in many ways this deeper commitment to my life's work is a solitary journey, because the goal is to create and follow a vision that is unencumbered by outside opinions of what I ought to be doing as a woman, a wife, an artist, an anything.  There are plenty of opinions, advice, feedback, etc. that people give freely, openly and with positive intentions, and I am free to take what resonates with what I want to create in my life - and I most certainly ask for help when I feel stuck - but beyond any outside noise, my strongest frequency must be a direct line to my own heart, my own self.

“To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we do not fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!”  -The Four Agreements

Opening Up

Friday was a peculiar day, with most of my time spent at my computer trying to coordinate various internet-related tasks and having varying levels of success with each.  It began with the creation of a new email newsletter...which made me want to update my website announcing workshops I'm offering this April...which made me need to re-arrange my navigation bar...which made me decide, "Why not add a video to my homepage?", and then, "How on earth do I get the video into my website?"  And on it went.  I felt triumphant when I got the video inserted into my website and then less than an hour later my entire address book - a personal and professional mailing list I've compiled over many years - up and vanished for no reason whatsoever.

Victory!  Heartbreak!

The Olympic Games?  A reality TV show?

No, just a day in my life.  A day not unsimilar to the days we all experience.  Ups.  Downs.  Frustrations.  Glee.  In a word:  normal.

I realized that my recent efforts towards connecting all of the Things I Do - or I should say my efforts towards sharing the Things I Do in a way that expresses their interconnectedness - is not about wanting to put forth some sort of image or ideal or glamorized version of myself.  If anything, I feel like I am running the risk of diluting the titles I put on things like business cards.  Artist.  Writer.  Swirly.  If anything, I am trying to create something much broader, something that conveys the fact that I do many things and have many pursuits, but they are all linked by one overriding value, which is to create a passion-fueled life.  If I wanted to simply be an artist, I would create art every day and try to get it sold and exhibited.  If I wanted to be a writer I would write and try to get my work published.  If I wanted to be a photographer...etcetera, etcetera.

But my life is not guided by just one thing, and I do not believe it is just one thing I do that makes my life worthwhile.  I am learning instead that the possibilities for my life are much wider, broader and full of possibility than I have been imagining for myself - and I've dreamed BIG, believe me.  The reason I know this is because the journey I am now on has connected me to some of the most astounding human beings on the planet, people who have their own amazing, inspiring stories to tell, and somehow we have found our way to each other.  These connections are becoming more frequent, more meaningful and more life-affirming.  I consider each new encounter a confirmation that I am on the right path.

I am an artist, a writer, a wife, a friend, a traveler, a housekeeper, a grocery shopper, an organizer, a photographer, a daughter, a blog reader, a website designer, an entreperneur, a runner, a cyclist, and a philosopher.  I am not especially confident in the kitchen, get distracted easily, love road trips, have bouts of overwhelming fear and insecurity, and love the smell of celery salt.  I am just living my life, and trying to make it as meaningful as possible.  I am trying to do my best and to be authentic.  I am trying to operate from a place of integrity every step of the way.  I am trying to be a positive force in the world, and I have written of these things before.  But I think I have been missing a huge part of the landscape that is available to me, and I now see that my life isn't about a specific title or job description; it isn't about accomplishing some grand goal that the rest of the world defines as success.  It is about following my own path, expressing myself, trusting my heart and sharing my journey.

I will be writing more about this I know, as I continue to try to define exactly what it is I am talking about, but for now I dare you to expand the vision you have for yourself, for your relationships, your dreams, your work, your life.  Dare to know that there is tremendous abundance available to you right now...at this very moment...and that there are so many things you do that play a part in creating a life that makes your heart sparkle.  It is all the little things that create the larger story, the deeper meaning, the wider vision.  Dare to throw the titles you've given yourself away and instead see that all the possible monikers you might have are what actually creates the unique tapestry that is you.

Rising Above

[Taken on a flight from Milwaukee to Los Angeles last month.]

I have been struggling with this entry, wanting to write about what is stirring inside me, but finding that so far my efforts to express things come across as negative and maybe even a little bit whiny.  Which is frustrating, because the way I feel is anything but that...

I will try to take a step by step approach...

I have been struggling with certain relationships in my life, and many of these struggles have existed in no small part because of my own fears - fears about loss, abandonment, betrayal.  I recognize that these fears are not necessarily rational but they exist for very real reasons, having grown from the roots of experiences where I have, in fact, been abandoned and been betrayed.

Thanks to a fortuitous swirling of events, conversations and revelations over the past many days, I have been able to wipe the muck off a window that is giving me the perspective I needed most - the one that has shown me how much freedom and power I have to stay centered in my own strength even in the midst of these relationship struggles.

The keys:  to rise above fears - my own and anyone else's - as much as I can and to avoid taking things personally.

In one relationship in particular, I have learned that our biggest problems have not been based on anything real, but were instead created and nurtured by a laundry list of fears.  Fears that each of us carried with us and fears that others in our vicinity were able to throw into the mix because we allowed it.  It is as if we had all shared the same belief that we each exist in a tiny, dark room apart from one another, but the truth is that we are all sitting in a wide open field of lavender and gold, where we all want - and can have - exactly what we desire, and these desires are the same for all of us.  We all want to be close.  We all want to feel safe.  We all want to be connected. 

And we are all afraid.

And we will probably always have to deal with these fears, and those fears will most likely continue to get in our way from time to time.

But as much as I can, my commitment now is to have compassion for those fears rather than disdain, to recognize that they are soft spots in our hearts rather than walls around them.  They are places that have the greatest capacity for growth, because if we can help one another move beyond these fears and replace them with greater levels of trust, we are truly moving to a sacred existence where love is the strongest guiding force.

As far as not taking things personally - a mantra I learned from The Four Agreements - I have come to realize how terribly quickly I often allow myself to get wrapped up in the fears, struggles, happiness and unhappiness of those around me, and that somewhere along the line I also decided that my accomplishments, passions, successes and joys weren't real unless certain people acknowledged, appreciated and celebrated them.  As if I was holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I had grown and I loved, but because they weren't seen by certain people I suddenly believed they were actually wilted and smelly.   I write that and cringe, seeing so clearly how much of my power I was giving away all too willingly.  (Why?  Fear.)

The worth of what I do with my life - my friends, my creative work, my travel, my passions, desires, dreams and values - should not be dependent upon the approval of anyone.  I do not serve myself or the rest of the world by allowing someone else's stamp of validation to determine whether or not I am living a positive, inspiring, meaningful life.  That should only come from within, and the more I allow my self-worth to hinge upon specific reactions and acknowledgements of others, the more I risk losing myself.

I do not live in a vacuum and I obviously put my work, my beliefs and my efforts out in the world in the hopes of making a positive difference, and it only makes sense that the more positive reinforcement I receive, the more I am motivated to continue making the efforts I'm making.  Of course I want what I do to be acknowledged, appreciated and celebrated, especially by those I love, admire and respect the most.  But sometimes - for reasons that have nothing to do with me - people can't always express what I want them to express or give me what I long for in terms of acknowledgement, and it is in those moments when they just might be too consumed with their own struggles and questions to notice who I am and what I do that I have to be able to turn to my own source of strength and self-worth, a source that must exist solely within me.

These are delicate areas through which to maneuver, to be certain, but I feel the wings on my back expanding as I allow for the greatest possible vision for myself and the relationships I care about most.  The more I believe in my own self-worth, the more love and energy I have to give to others; the more compassion I have for my own fears the more I can offer to those I love.  The more I trust in that wide open field where we can all have exactly what we want, the farther I can fly, the higher I can rise above all these little problems that will only pull me to the ground if I let them.

Teary

[Photo taken by Jen Gray last week]

Teary eyes have been coming up fairly easily for me lately.  Jen and I were taking turns giving each other photo shoots last week and in the midst of giggles and playfulness she said something that caused an immediate, very visible reaction.  She kept on shooting and I find those few photos where she captured my watery eyes a tad fascinating.  How often do we get to look at a still photo of ourselves in the center of a weepy moment?  And what are those triggers we all have that bring the tears to our eyes at the most inopportune moments - at a restaurant, in a crowd of people, in the middle of a photo shoot.

I had lunch with a woman today - someone I had only met once before who wanted to talk to me about Swirly, how I got started, how it took off, etc.  We talked shop for a while and also swapped more than a few divorce war stories and each had our own on-the-verge-of-tears moment over eggs and coffee.  For me it was when she told me she visited my website, read my words and suddenly felt like everything was OK.  (Getting teary as I even type that).  For her it was when I told her that her job right now - as she recovers from her divorce and embarks upon a new business venture - was to receive.

There are moments when we want to cry out of anger and frustration, moments of deep sadness where the tears seem to pour out of our eye sockets like a burst dam, and unexpected moments like these where the tears surface and catch themselves just on the edge of spilling over.  I find those moments often times startling and bittersweet, because those instances tend to occur when it isn't appropriate or convenient or maybe even necessary to immediately dive into a good, solid cry.  They are just little reminders of what makes our hearts tug, what sends a chill of recognition and maybe even gratitude right down into the depths of our souls.

This Joy

send up the sun now
the midnight darkness
is nearly through
i’m one day older
but this love is still as true
and hey its gonna be taking me over
this joy is gonna fill the inside out...

after the hammer
all around me little stars
but i’ll find the pattern
the constellation is in my heart
and hey its gonna be taking me over
this joy is gonna fill the inside out

let me stay here just to see you breathing
are you sleeping again?...

you’re in your house now
the wind is wild
the walls are thin
stay where you are dear
i’ll find a way in
and hey its gonna be taking me over
this joy is gonna fill the inside out.

-Stephanie Dosen

{Feeling Supremely Blessed}

Leaping Into Stillness

[Taken by Jen Gray January 31, 2008 in Santa Monica]

January was a bit of a whirlwind, but I am happy to report I feel like I have done a better job than usual of keeping a certain centeredness throughout it all.  Two shows to get ready for, one online sale, travel to Colorado, Wisconsin and Texas, all topped off with an extrordinary visit from three of my creative soulmates this week.  And now here I am on February 1st, looking at a blissfully wide open calendar until the end of the month.   I have started things off with a fairly radical studio re-arrange, and can't wait to walk into my studio Monday without any kind of specific to do list.

I am feeling raw and vulnerable in some ways, strong and invincible in others, and beyond all of the conflicting emotions and confusion over certain difficulties, I feel like I have found my home in my circle of creative, passionate, powerful women.  With them, I am most fully in my own skin, most assuredly on the right path, most absolutely where I belong.  Within this circle my wings are wide open and glowing, ready to take me as high as I wish.  I have been in this circle for a very long time, but something over the past year has shifted profoundly, and I have found a well of strength within this tribe that has filled me like never before.

I could try to continue to explain how I feel, to try to describe exactly what I am talking about, but for now I will keep it simple and say just one thing to this incredible tribe of warriors:  Thank You.