Rising Above

[Taken on a flight from Milwaukee to Los Angeles last month.]

I have been struggling with this entry, wanting to write about what is stirring inside me, but finding that so far my efforts to express things come across as negative and maybe even a little bit whiny.  Which is frustrating, because the way I feel is anything but that...

I will try to take a step by step approach...

I have been struggling with certain relationships in my life, and many of these struggles have existed in no small part because of my own fears - fears about loss, abandonment, betrayal.  I recognize that these fears are not necessarily rational but they exist for very real reasons, having grown from the roots of experiences where I have, in fact, been abandoned and been betrayed.

Thanks to a fortuitous swirling of events, conversations and revelations over the past many days, I have been able to wipe the muck off a window that is giving me the perspective I needed most - the one that has shown me how much freedom and power I have to stay centered in my own strength even in the midst of these relationship struggles.

The keys:  to rise above fears - my own and anyone else's - as much as I can and to avoid taking things personally.

In one relationship in particular, I have learned that our biggest problems have not been based on anything real, but were instead created and nurtured by a laundry list of fears.  Fears that each of us carried with us and fears that others in our vicinity were able to throw into the mix because we allowed it.  It is as if we had all shared the same belief that we each exist in a tiny, dark room apart from one another, but the truth is that we are all sitting in a wide open field of lavender and gold, where we all want - and can have - exactly what we desire, and these desires are the same for all of us.  We all want to be close.  We all want to feel safe.  We all want to be connected. 

And we are all afraid.

And we will probably always have to deal with these fears, and those fears will most likely continue to get in our way from time to time.

But as much as I can, my commitment now is to have compassion for those fears rather than disdain, to recognize that they are soft spots in our hearts rather than walls around them.  They are places that have the greatest capacity for growth, because if we can help one another move beyond these fears and replace them with greater levels of trust, we are truly moving to a sacred existence where love is the strongest guiding force.

As far as not taking things personally - a mantra I learned from The Four Agreements - I have come to realize how terribly quickly I often allow myself to get wrapped up in the fears, struggles, happiness and unhappiness of those around me, and that somewhere along the line I also decided that my accomplishments, passions, successes and joys weren't real unless certain people acknowledged, appreciated and celebrated them.  As if I was holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I had grown and I loved, but because they weren't seen by certain people I suddenly believed they were actually wilted and smelly.   I write that and cringe, seeing so clearly how much of my power I was giving away all too willingly.  (Why?  Fear.)

The worth of what I do with my life - my friends, my creative work, my travel, my passions, desires, dreams and values - should not be dependent upon the approval of anyone.  I do not serve myself or the rest of the world by allowing someone else's stamp of validation to determine whether or not I am living a positive, inspiring, meaningful life.  That should only come from within, and the more I allow my self-worth to hinge upon specific reactions and acknowledgements of others, the more I risk losing myself.

I do not live in a vacuum and I obviously put my work, my beliefs and my efforts out in the world in the hopes of making a positive difference, and it only makes sense that the more positive reinforcement I receive, the more I am motivated to continue making the efforts I'm making.  Of course I want what I do to be acknowledged, appreciated and celebrated, especially by those I love, admire and respect the most.  But sometimes - for reasons that have nothing to do with me - people can't always express what I want them to express or give me what I long for in terms of acknowledgement, and it is in those moments when they just might be too consumed with their own struggles and questions to notice who I am and what I do that I have to be able to turn to my own source of strength and self-worth, a source that must exist solely within me.

These are delicate areas through which to maneuver, to be certain, but I feel the wings on my back expanding as I allow for the greatest possible vision for myself and the relationships I care about most.  The more I believe in my own self-worth, the more love and energy I have to give to others; the more compassion I have for my own fears the more I can offer to those I love.  The more I trust in that wide open field where we can all have exactly what we want, the farther I can fly, the higher I can rise above all these little problems that will only pull me to the ground if I let them.

Comments

[chocolate covered musings]

fear of being abandoned and/or betrayed runs deep in me and your writing really spoke to me today. i haven't read the four agreements, though i use the byron katie process (thework.com) to help me when i lose sight of what really is.

i've been thinking a lot about what friendship is, how people can get to misunderstanding, simply because i forget to accept the other person as they are.

great reminders for me today, thank you. thank you

[Justin]

You are a powerful force to be reckoned with. So funny, this is exactly what I was thinking today too...thank you for putting down so well into words that inspire....

you rock.
J

[deb]

How freeing is that "Don't Take It Personally" agreement? That, in combination with "Don't Make Assumptions" agreement, has kicked most of my relationships up a notch. (or splatted them to the ground, if that's where they needed to go)

I'm sending good vibes for ease and flow on the thermals as you rise above. D

[indigene]

Your words echo my thoughts during the winter months. Every winter my fears confront me with no place to hide, since it is too cold to go out and share them. I sit with them and they assault me, until I fight/face them. Then I realize that's what winter is...a dying of things, hibernating the germs of good and renewal. Then the warmth of the blessing of renewal comes and then I can open the door and go out again. A new person, having left some little fear behind during that blast of winter and with each winter a little more fear will leave and I will eventually become that fully actualize person, that dwells in the sun as well as the night. So I echo your thoughts. Your honesty is a comfort.

[Cre8Tiva]

i have fears that prevent anyone from getting too close...they are not rational...yet they do exist...i am learning to deal with them...i so understand your words...i have missed you...hugs, r

[tricia scott]

i love this post and i love your blog---i have been visiting for a time now and want to say thank you for your wonderful honesty. i like the thought of not putting walls around our fears. i am trying to do that these days, some days are easier for me than others. :) you are so right---this is where the growth can take place. so many lessons to learn....

xo,

[boho girl]

i will come back to read this often as it is soaked with wisdom, gentleness and pure truth.

i love you and can feel your peace and clarity from here.

xo

[nyjlm]

I'm so glad I came over to read this. I had clicked over from Sparkletopia to read the Teary entry and almost got chills when I read this. I'm doing a lot of self work revolving around fear right now. It started for me with a parenting book I'm reading, but I quickly realized that the implications were far greater for me than even for my children. I've lived such a long time with fear, and it colors everything.
This post is a keeper.

[Ms. Conley]

I love your honesty.....so very much! Brave....Totally understand this Swirly....xo

[Angela]

This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you. Found you through Lunar Musings. Will visit more often to read your thoughts.

[lynne]

I can not tell you how this has touched me....i do not have words to explain my current situation, my current emotional status and my current frame of mind. Thank you for letting me know that i am not alone...even though that is very much how i feel on the inside.

[Frida]

Amen wise sister. I salute your wisdom and cheer you on in this path. xx

[leah]

that tip from the four agreements is one that has stuck with me as well. and boy oh boy did i need the reminder today. thanks for that, christine.

[leah]

that tip from the four agreements is one that has stuck with me as well. and boy oh boy did i need the reminder today. thanks for that, christine.

[amy]

thank you! i haven't read The Four Agreements but have been working on trying not to take things personally. it can be so hard not to feel somehow responsible for the feelings and responses of other people, to feel that somehow if you were different they would be too. for me it is very much an ongoing process.

[Brian Carpenter]

Hi I am trying to Erradicate Sudden Infant Death by using ART and Rocks.
Can you please help me get the word out to as many artists as possible. by
posting a link or by blogging about my blog? Maybe even doing a Blog Interview

Look at http://kicksids.blogspot.com/

Thank you very much
Brian Carpenter

[Julia]

Hi,
Wonderful thoughts, and true for us all....
It was because most of us weren't validated enough when we were young, that we need it so much now, it's okay to need and want recognition by others, because we are here to be in relationship with others, and its so important to us, how our relationship is, is it close?..or not..and that's how we feel safe and happy and free to be ourselves, or not...
Thanks for sharing...

[Becky]

I wonder why you have been placed in my path. I feel somehow connected to you. Your work and your words are amazing

[melissa]

you are right...exactly what I needed to read today. I'll probably have to read this entry several times. as always thank you my dear! xoxo

[Popeye]

I get this. Love and compassion, regardless of the other things we stumble over, are still the most powerful, the most lasting and the most salvific.