Swirly Girl

Learning Curve

Here's where it started: a layer of paint.

From there I applied my first layer of papers, which I applied with spray adhesive.

And then I kept going:  more paint...

More paper...

More paint...more paper...

Paint, paper...wings!

And then I decided to pull everything back in terms of color and contrast by adding another layer of  "Titan Buff" paint...here is the piece with this layer about a third of the way across the painting:

Here's what I've learned:  spray adhesive doesn't work very well on wood.
So here's what I'm doing now: after spending many weeks applying all these layers of paint, molding paste and paper on top of the intital spray adhesive-applied layers, I now have a thick, textured piece...with a lot of air bubbles in it.  I suppose I could simply decide to make those bubbles part of the texture and pretend I intended to create those, but they are driving me crazy.  Because of this, I am now slicing across these air bubbles and pulling back the layers of paper:

...then glueing them back down to the wood with a combination of Elmer's, more paper and another layer of molding paste:

With this, I feel like I am basically doing repair work, having to tear everything apart and piece it all back together, then apply more materials so it doesn't look like a wounded soul, all stitched up and scarred.  I will let these latest applications of glue and molding paste dry over the weekend, then maybe, just maybe, I can finish it next week.

I will admit that at this point I have very mixed feelings about this piece, and feel more than a tad tempted to rip everything off and start over.  This piece has taught me a great deal about what doesn't work, and while these are valuable lessons, I also feel frustrated over how much paint and other materials are being sacrificed in the name of creative knowledge. 

But that is the deal - learning what doesn't work creatively and what materials aren't right are just as important as learning what works, and frustration is sometimes a necessary piece of the creative puzzle.  I think I am pretty lucky in that I rarely come up against ongoing such irritations when I work, and I rarely have such a hard time finishing pieces.  I have had to walk away from this particular piece so many times it is beginning to be funny (sort of).

This creative journey is clearly not over, and I still do not know exactly what this painting will mean to me, say to me, pull out of me.  Will I want to hang it in our foryer, evidence of a hard-won interior battle or will I set it outside with a sign that says "FREE", wanting to be rid of it forever?  Right now I don't know, and that is OK.  This story is not yet over.

This and That

I am about to finish my biggest piece ever - a 48" x 60" wood panel now covered with a number of layers of paint, paper, pencil, molding paste, old journal pages, photographs and metallic pigment.  I have worked on this piece off and on for many months, with long stretches of time where it sat by itself in my studio.  This piece has been about experimenting and trying new things, and I feel somewhat attached to it because it is so full of so many trials, errors and happy mishaps.  I have another large panel (45" x 70")  that is perfectly blank right now, purchased for a commission, and I am excited to take what I learned creating this first large piece and applying it to the new one.  I'll be posting photos tomorrow of the journey of the first piece as well as the beginning steps of the second piece.

In addition to these big works, I am piling up creations for my upcoming book.  The story of this book will be explained in much greater detail soon, but for now I will share that I am in experimentation mode, trying this and that and creating panel after panel, not worrying about whether anything I do will ultimately make it in the book.  This is the time to create, create, create and piecing everything together will happen soon enough.

Sparkletopia is humming along nicely, and I am really happy with many of my most recent discoveries, particularly illustrator Liza Corbett, whose work I must say I am now completely obsessed with.   I'll be posting an interview with her on Sparkletopia in the coming weeks.  There is so much talent in the world it makes my head want to explode!

I have moved beyond the worst of my moodiness over the cancellation of my trip to Tibet, and have already purchased a guide book to India with my sights set on a January 2009 journey.  With these May travel plans removed, I suddenly feel like I have a wide open space of time to play with, and I am pleasantly surprised by my initial thoughts of just wanting to run around my backyard during that time.  The sun has just popped out  from behind the layer of chilly fog that has taken over Santa Monica over the past couple of days and I am looking forward to a quiet night.

I have felt a tremendous sense of quiet from many places and people...emails and blog postings are fewer and my usual marathon blog reads haven't happened in a while (although I feel the need to say I read many, don't always comment and have lately mischeviously prided myself on being a bit of a lurker on many sites).  This doesn't make me feel less connected to anyone, and this is one of things I appreciate so much about my friendships - that these quiet spaces and stretches are OK, and that through these moments we are no less in each other's hearts, no less in arms of safety and comfort.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself." -Zen Proverb

Not Yet

"Even though the acceptance of what is happening may be confusing, just accept the given situation and do not try to make it something else...just see it, perceive it, and then abandon it." -Judith Lief

Maybe I take it all too seriously, always trying to make the best possible decisions from a place of acceptance, silence and compassion rather than fear, anger or desperation.  On a bike ride this morning - taken for the express purpose of exhausting myself in hopes this would quiet all the voices that have been clamoring for my attention over the past week - I thought about how much easier it would be if I just didn't care about these things.  Wouldn't life be simpler if I just took the easiest path possible and avoided serious thought on anything?  Do I make things more complicated than I need to? 

I think the answers to these questions are a resounding yes, but I am afraid it is not in my nature to blindly wander through any kind of serious decision making process, such as one that involves a canceled trip to Tibet that had been in the works for almost two years and the possibility of heading to a new destination somewhere else on the globe.  Throw in a handful of other travel companions and two travel agents and that's a lot of people trying to make sense of one another's motivations, desires, fears and frustrations, not to mention their own.

I have been expending a great deal of energy trying to put on a brave, enlightened face and sink as deeply as possibly in a space of acceptance.  While there have been brief, blissful moments of quiet - when I have been able to hear what my heart has to say - for the most part all of this uncertainty has made me feel pretty cranky and frustrated.  When I close my eyes, take a deep breath and visualize everything melting away I experience a deep calmness, but then I open my eyes and my mind starts racing again and the cycle gets stuck on the repeat button.

The back and forth that has been going on in my head over the past few days is whether or not to shift gears entirely and head to India in early May, when I was supposed to be in Tibet.  India is at the top of my list of desired destinations and I was beginning to believe the universe was conspiring to get me there sooner than I expected.  When I let my mind wander and my excitement take over, I was ready to book a new flight, but in those tiny in between spaces - when I take those deep breaths and listen to my heart - what I am hearing is that now is not the time.  Going to India is so important to me, and I do not want to go there under circumstances that feel so frantic and desperate.  I can sit tight and give myself another string of months - not even a full year - and go there when the weather will be milder and I have the time to create a journey that is less about running wild on adrenalin and more about soaking it all in quietly.  Maybe I am making a choice that is too timid, but at this point I'm willing to lean on the less adventurous side in order to stay centered and focused.

I have decided not to make any other plans...for now.  Once a few other details in my life get worked out, I just might jump on a plane to Amsterdam or Ireland or somewhere on earth I've never been but that, at this point, will most likely be a tad easier and low-key than Delhi and the Taj Mahal.  Or I must just stay home, and take the time I was to spend trekking through the Himalayas to explore more possibilities for my book and new territories in my studio.  Right now I want to simply be still, and when the wind stirs up again, I will let it take me where it wants.

I will be in India.  But not yet....not just yet.

Change

[Image from National Geographic]

"Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed." -Irene Peter

If you could have been a fly on the wall today and observed my activity, you would have thought I had inserted an IV drip of espresso into my veins with a Diet Coke chaser.  I have spent the last many days feeling troubled, confused and frustrated about the situation in Tibet and its impact on my plans to travel there in six weeks and today finally discovered the main source of my angst - not only was I feeling uneasy about the idea of hoping things settle down just so I can still have my happy trip, but also feeling stuck in the limbo of "waiting to see what happens."  There are many situations in which I am able to dip into a tremendous well of patience, but it looks like "waiting to make alternative travel plans when the plans you've been making for two years falls apart" is not one of them.

I was feeling anxious, annoyed, and irritable, trying to talk about alternatives with one of my travel mates on the phone this morning.  Perhaps sensing I was about to have a slight meltdown she abruptly said, "OK, here's what you can do..." and proceeded to give me a small list of tasks that could help our group consider other ideas.  Then it was as if my saying the words, "I'm on it!" sent a surge of adrenalin through every pore in my body and I was instantaneously wired.  And I immediately understood that this had been my biggest problem - the fact that I didn't feel like I could take any action (which was not true), and that by "waiting to see what happens" I was going to have to slowly watch other possible travel plans slip through my fingers.

I don't know if my friend was simply using a distraction tactic she has to employ with her two young children or if she really understood that I just needed to keep moving or I would freak out from stillness, but either way she gave  me what I needed most:  permission to move forward and try to sort out other possibilities.  I think this blog is evidence enough that I have a tendency to overthink things, and I see now that the time I spent thinking about other travel plans was totally out of balance with time spent creating other travel plans.  Once I started taking action, I immediately breathed easier even though I became an intensely focused Tasmanian Devil.

I do not know what the ultimate outcome of these changes will be.  There are many details to sort out and things may or may not work the way we want them to.  For me, this is the best part of travel - all those little adventures you get to have, sometimes before you even step on the  plane.  I am deeply saddened by what the Tibetan people are going through right now and that we will most likely not go to Tibet.  But I am excited that this door closing will mean another one gets to open, and an entirely new adventure awaits.

Mixed Emotions

[Photo from the New York Times recent reports on protest in Tibet and Nepal.]

Over the past many days I have been intently reading all the news I can find on the recent protests in Tibet.  At the moment I have a two-week itinerary, scheduled to begin in just over six weeks, that is to take me from LA to Beijing to Lhasa, and from there on to other monasteries and villages around Tibet.  I have been planning this trip for almost two years, a trip I am supposed to take with eight other women, including two of my best friends.  Right now the Chinese government is banning all foreign visitors, and considering the fact that the tensions between Tibet and China - which have been simmering for decades - are not likely to subside anytime soon, it looks like this trip will very likely be cancelled.

I am experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions around these protests and my trip, realizing that the choices I make as a traveler need to be carefully considered.  When I first began planning this trip, I started educating myself about Tibet, its history and its people, and one of the first things I did was watch Tibet:  Cry of the Snow Lion.  In college, I remember Free Tibet slogans here and there, and I am sure, in my efforts to be a politically aware world citizen, I joined in the chorus, not really understanding what "Free Tibet" meant.   Once I gained a better understanding of the oppression and violence the Tibetan people have suffered under Chinese rule, I considered myself fortunate that I was going to be able to see a culture that has a very good chance of ultimately being wiped out.

I have also been walking around believing now was a good time to go in terms of safety, thinking China would want to be on its best behavior for the Olympics.  Since these protests began, I am amazed it didn't occur to me before that this is precisely why now is the best time for Tibetans to draw attention to their situation.  It has been reported over and over again that China is treading as carefully as it can right now for fear of Olympic boycotts.

Every time I read an article about Tibet - which is now multiple times a day - a wave of deep sadness washes over me, thinking of how much pain is being felt by everyone in that part of the world.  The thought of hoping things settle down simply so I can go be a tourist is a notion that is deeply unsettling; my desire to see this part of the world is so tiny and pale to the desires felt by Tibetans to do things like wave their own flag and express their beliefs.  The Tibetans are protesting, expressing their anger and risking their lives because they are trying to save their culture, their identity, their people.  Who am I to show up and expect everyone to make nice so I can hike through the Himalayas?  Not only this, but could my presence as a foreign tourist somehow validate Chinese policy towards Tibet?  Would I simply be feeding the system that is trying to destroy the beauty I am there to experience?

In my efforts to live a life committed to integrity, I have to consider these questions.  How do the choices I make as a traveler contribute to the state of the world?  While my choices as an individual will probably not save or destroy the world, I am not willing to avoid taking responsibility for my actions simply because I'm "just one person".  It will matter.

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."  -Dalai Lama

Boho & Swirly Are In Da House

[Click on the image above for a Merry Happy Treat}

This is dedicated to our homegirls out there...we love and miss you!!

Abuzz and Fluttering

[Torso Project :: Step Three]

This isn't even the latest version of my torso...she has received a bit more coverage since I took this photo, and I will post those images later this week.  I love seeing what ideas everyone has about where she might go and I am having fun figuring out how to create what I keep seeing in my mind.  She is evolving a bit as I work on her and share the process with others and I wonder how close - or far off - the final outcome will be compared to what I initially envisioned.

[Torso Project :: Step Three]

I am feeling especially connected to my creative tribe - lunch and ginormous red velvet cupcakes with Christine today, with talk of working together on a re-structuring of my website, exciting conversations with Elizabeth, the amazing organizer of the Squam Art Workshops*.  I also have two wonderful interviews up on Sparkletopia this week - my conversation with Kelly Rae Roberts was posted yesterday and tomorrow the divine Andrea Scher will share a few stories and insights.  If you haven't visited Sparkletopia in a while, be sure to check out Sparkling Stories under my category headings for more than a dozen wonderful interviews, including Boho Girl herself, Denise Andrade (my very first interview), who I will have the exquisite pleasure of giving a great big hug to when she is here for a visit tomorrow.

My studio is a mess, which means I'm working and creating, and the most I could get done to make it somewhat presentable for Miss Boho was to wipe down my desk.  Any other kind of clean up or organization is hopeless right now, and that actually makes me smile.  I'm working on a number of different projects, including preparations for a four week Creative Journaling Workshop Series.  The basic details are over at Sparkletopia...email me - christine@swirlygirl.com - if you are interested in participating!

*Word on the street is that it is filling up fast, so if you're thinking of going getting your registration form in pronto!

She Needs A Name

{Torso Project :: Step One}

Who knew it was so easy to order a mannequin online?  I did a quick google search a few weeks ago and a few days later I had a female torso sitting on my studio floor.  I don't want to spill the beans on what I plan for this beauty, I thought I would instead document the process here and let it unfold that way.  This is one of the few instances in my artistic process where I see with perfect clarity what I want to create ahead of time, and it is now a matter of figuring out how to do that with the materials I have.  With most pieces, I simply start throwing paint and materials on a wood panel or canvas and see where it takes me.  I am curious to see how things go with this latest idea - not only is it already fully formed in my mind, but this is also a three-dimensional piece.  I'm not sure it could technically qualify as a sculpture...I think assemblage is a more appropriate term.

{Torso Project :: Step Two}

After moving in and out of my studio all week with nary an art supply lifted let alone used, I finally dipped my toe back into work yesterday and today my mojo is back in full force.  I got some extraordinary news today which means the timeline for my main project of the year has to be moved up a month, but the truth is that I work much better with a deadline and I am actually happy the heat is being turned up a tad.

To use the word of a friend, I am feeling soft in all of my creative projects these days.  Soft as in content; soft as in wide open, fluid, organic, unattached, willing to lean a little bit farther in to the side of letting the path unfold for me versus trying to structure it the way I think it should be.  The fire inside me is not churning wildly with sparks flying all over the place, but is instead burning slowly and steadily, and I carry it with me everywhere I go.

Back On My Planet

Back home from a bit of a whirlwind trip to the UK to see the lovely Susannah, who kept referring to my life in the states as "life on your planet"...already the funny little phrases and giggles we shared are embedded in my consciousness, and from now on when I hear certain things and think of certain places, Susannah will be the one who immediately comes to mind.

I arrived at LAX Sunday afternoon, and it is taking me more time than I thought I'd need to get back in the swing of things.  I don't feel particularly jet lagged - for some reason jet lag decided to leave me alone for the most part - but I do feel a tad spacey and lazy, so the beginning of this week is turning out to be one of those periods of time where I don't stop moving all day, but then I wonder what I accomplished when evening rolls in.  Errands, laundry, dishes, sending out a stack of the snarky greeting cards I got on my trip (handy tip for the stationery obsessed:  London = Fab Greeting Cards)...nothing terribly exciting or thrilling, but things that keep me moving when I might otherwise just sleep.  Maybe jet lag did enter my bloodstream, it is just choosing to treat me a little more gently this go round.

What can I say about my trip?  It was just about perfect, where I got to enjoy a big block of time with a woman I adore, where we let the wind take us where it wanted to take us and it took us to some lovely places.  Walking down to the seaside in Bournemouth, eating noodles at Wagamama, catching a movie...then in London strolling on Bond Street, through Soho and around Portobello Market in Notting Hill.  At any cafe stop I either had a Stella or a cappuccino in my hands and we gabbed like school girls at a slumber party practically non-stop.

Over the past year I have experienced an incredible bonding with creative women all over the world, a journey that has made me see with absolute certainty my place in the world.  In Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert explains one aspect of Balinese culture like this:

"The whole idea of Bali is a matrix, a massive and invisible grid of spirits, guides, paths and customs.  Every Balinese knows exactly where he or she belongs, oriented within this great, intangible map....(where someone) is only happy when he can maintain himself - mentally and spiritually - at the intersection between a vertical line and a horizontal one, in a state of perfect balance.  For this, he needs to know exactly where he is located at every moment, both in his relationship to the divine and to his family here on earth.  If he loses that balance, he loses his power."

I have tried to explain to many of my friends my experience of finally - after four decades on this earth - precisely locating my place in the invisible grid that covers our existence, which has happened over the past year as a result of connecting with them as well as continuing to nurture connections with friends that have been in my life for many years.  I have found an exquisite balance between friendships that began long ago before I knew much about myself, the world or what my journey in life might be and friendships that are now developing as I forge my path more confidently, passionately and, dare I say, wisely.

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony."  -Thomas Merton