To look at the circumstances of my life at this exact moment is to see a picture perfect scenario: my book is done, all went well when I delivered everything to my printer yesterday and I am supposed to depart tomorrow for a two week vacation where I'll be away from the computer and knee deep in a stack of new books, bicycle rides and a whole lot of nothing. Yet I have been grouchy and anxious for most of today, and while I felt reticent to write a blog entry in the midst of this inexplicable, emotionally unsettled state - "I'm in a crappy mood - see ya in two weeks!" - I did not want to flee California without a word.
So here I am - in a crappy mood, and I'll be away for the next two weeks!
I can't really say what has put me in such a peculiar state. I have so much to be thrilled about and there is so much to look forward to, as beyond the next two weeks of holiday I'm headed up north to San Francisco for the Blogher weekend, where I'll get to bask in the glow of so many astounding women. I must admit I don't think I have a single thing to complain about right now, not an inkling of anything worth worrying about, not one itsy bitsy reason to be feeling the way I've been feeling off and on for more than a week now. Am I coming down off the intense high of being sequestered in my studio all month? Am I feeling anxiety over leaving my home for two weeks? Am I - deep down in my sub-conscious - actually terrified my book will sink like a rock and do nothing but collect dust in all the boxes of inventory I'll have in two months time?
I'll use the old stand by, one of my favorites...it is, I'm sure, a little bit of all of that. A strange brew of melancholy, bliss, angst, insecurity, trepidation, joy, gratitude, salt and cinnamon. A shifting away from focus, focus, focus towards a big block of time where I can decide what I feel like doing at any given moment. The turning around a corner from an introverted, creative frenzy to the outward, social, book tour schedule that will begin in early September. A readiness to tackle those challenges alongside a powerful urge to travel to a foreign country...alone. Indefinitely.
And that is the story, that is where I am. Not really wanting to send myself off for two weeks with a downer entry, but not wanting to gloss over where I really am. I am in this weird place, and I've been on the verge of tears all day, and maybe I'll go finish packing now or maybe I'll just collapse and cry. Either way, I'll be back after July 13th when a new journey will begin and a new story will unfold, piece by delicate piece.
P.S. I'll be away, but there will still be plenty going on at Sparkletopia!