Point of No Return

[Press sheet with twelve book pages on the press at Ventura Printing.  Taken yesterday.]

Just over 24 hours ago I still had the power to say, "Stop the presses!" and call the whole thing off, but the horse is now officially out of the barn and there is no turning back on the publication of my book.  It is now going to come to me in the form of boxes (and boxes) of inventory in a few short weeks, the result of more than a year's work and a task list that grew exponentially longer the closer this print date became.  Yesterday was the first of two days of press checks, where I'm on hand as the pages of my book come gliding off the press for color adjustments and one final opportunity to catch any mistakes, which at this point would do what for me?  Just one thing:  give me that one tiny detail among a million other details to focus on - the thing that I didn't catch, the thing that I did wrong.  The thing that lets me justify screaming with my fists in the air, "But it isn't perfect!!!!!!  How can I possibly call myself a professional?!  I'M A FAAAAIIIILLLLLURRRE!!!"

How funny that we are so often lured into the depths of the one thing "wrong" even as we are practically drowning in so many positives.  The one mean comment on a blog.  The one person whose attention we can't seem to get among a sea of adoring faces.  The one typo in 160 pages of type.

But I digress.  And I haven't even caught anything yet, but there is no doubt in my mind something will appear, and I'm actually looking forward to that discovery.

[Comparing the color proofs to the first printed sheets.]

I have been in panic attack mode all week, seriously questioning my sanity and the decision I made to get as many books printed as I'm getting printed.  See that?  I'm too chicken to even put the number here, afraid that if the book bombs everyone will be whispering under their breath, "Well, geez, did you see how many books she got printed?  What was she thinking?"  Yes, it's true, the insecurities have been running on full steam this week, blazing through my mind like ants on a glazed doughnut.

[Here comes the cover!]

I thought I would be more excited in the days before the press checks and more emotional as I watched the first pages come flying through, but I was in a total funk at the beginning of the week and yesterday felt like I spent more time and energy goofing off with my partner in crime David (aka my sales rep at Ventura, who I've worked with ever since my very first print run of Swirly cards in 1997) than thinking about the significance of this first printing of my book.  But I learned long ago that all the things we think we are supposed to feel, all the ways we believe an experience is supposed to turn out, it's all just a big fantasy in our brains and we have no hope of knowing the truth of what any experience will be until we're knee deep in it, and then our job is to sink ourselves into it and accept it for whatever it is.

[One of two presses running my book.]

I have been giving my "observer mode" muscle a tremendous workout this year, so much so that it is becoming second nature for me to step back and observe what is going on in any number of situations - my reaction to things, my thoughts, my feelings, even another person's actions.  In challenging situations in particular, this ability to shift into observer mode has become a very resourceful, practical tool, one that enables me to see what is happening without judgment and allow the situation I'm in to unfold in its own way.  Rather than resisting or trying to "fix" something, I instead aim to try to let it happen without my interfering in its natural flow, even if that means it is going to flow in a direction that makes me feel uncomfortable or maybe even angry.  I find the less I resist the quicker things are resolved, within my heart and mind or otherwise.

[Und now vee vill examine dees page...]

I feel like this is a bit of a rambling entry, but my brain has been on analytical overdrive this week and hey, here I am, trying to do exactly what I'm writing about - letting all of this unfold the way it needs to unfold, right down to today's blog entry, which is turning out to be nothing like I thought it would be.  But I started typing and the thoughts started flowing and now here I am, wondering what the hell the point of this entry exactly is, and being totally OK with the fact that I don't really know.

In a nutshell, the printing of my book is halfway finished.  Tomorrow I head back to Ventura for another day of press checks and then August 18th I return to pick up the books and begin my journey of sending them around the world, hoping they act as water and sunlight to all the beautiful seeds of wisdom, beauty and creativity that are now waiting silently beneath the soil, ready to burst ouot into the world and shine their own light.

To see a quick video of my cover coming through the press, click here.

Comments

[Andralyn]

Greeting. The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.
I am from Jamaica and learning to read in English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "Hair replacement santa ana ca: she normally shrouded the instances of mrs."

Best regards :), Andralyn.

[MC]

The fact that you are a little anxious makes you even more badass for doing it anyway. So many people give into the self-doubt (I fear I am one of them.) I applaud you!

[linda]

ants on a glazed donut indeed! and unless you printed more than oh, say, half a million on the first run, i'd say you're on target for a month....but don't let them clean off the presses too quick. from the etsy prints, i'd say your book will be fabulous...you are fabulous...take a big breath and realize that this is the beginning of a new ride down a new road, and the view is fabulous if look forward thru the windshield instead of down at the map. many blessings! Linda E.

[lisa]

How freaking awesome!

[indigene]

Even through this, you continue to inspire and comfort! Okay, let's spell "amazing":
C H R I S T I N E! Bravo!

www.indigeneartforms.blogspot.com

[Tammy]

How wonderful! And how wonderfully brave yoy are!

Where can we pre-order?

Can't wait to own this book!

Wishing you love & much success!

tammy

[susannah]

i'm so fucking proud of you, dolly, and i can't WAIT to have my copy in my hands... (i think you should pop over to Bath to give it to me in person ;-) i love you, girlfriend o' mine xxxx

[Thea]

wow wee. This is a wonderful post-I particularly love the flow of it. It was super enjoyable to read and I too got the sesnse that I was there enjoying it with you.

Smooches girl. You are one of my sheroes.

XOXOXOXO

[beth]

gosh...this is just sooooo exciting !!! I can't wait to see the book when it's all done !!!
beth
www.moredoors.blogspot.com

[Graciel @ Evenstar Art]

Rambling? No. Channeling the truth for all to see and digest and apply to our own lives. My situation is very different from yours, but your wisdom is applicable none the less. Thank you for your open honesty, it has elevated my day and circumstances.

And good Goddess, your bravery is completely inspiring! Your book is already a success. I must have a copy...

[stef]

how very exciting! so cute and I can't wait to experience the book for myself :)

xo

[amy]

wow! congratulations. i'm sure your book will reflect all your bravery and beauty.

[Nita]

SWIRLY!!!!! Such huge congratulations - I cannot wait to see it! Will it be ready when you come to visit? Just seeing the pictures of the whole process made me get all excited - i can't imagine what you are going through! You should be so very incredibly proud of yourself!
And I wanted to thank you thank you thank you for the book you mailed me - you are so thoughtful, and it is perfect timing as I start the engines revving for thesis performance mode.
I was going to email, but don't have it with me right now.
Love to you!
Can't wait to see you and give you a grand hug!
Nita

[heather]

AWESOME!So happy for you Christine! Thank you for ALL that you shared, I am so grateful!

[m-c]

I so can imagine how you feel!!

I know all you can do is search for places of failure, but i'd like to let you know that i find it inspiring to see the courage you've got to make it all happen, while holding a big vision instead of doing things in a more quiet, amateur way (like i most best do!)

[Sare-bear]

It's so exciting to see you take this risk, this leap of faith, to see you be courageous in the face of fear and insecurities! Was wondering where I might be able to get a copy of this fabulous creative miracle you produced?

[Frida]

unbelievably exciting - raw and brave and inspiring us all. i love you xoxox

[Liz]

This blog entry may have felt rambling to you, but truly it was a little moment in time with you, for all of us... and it's SO exciting... now you can have all the doubts you want at this moment (it's allowed for a few brief moments) but I care not what you think... this book is going to go places you never ever ever thought it would... and I have a strong and beautiful hunch there will be re-prints in the works... congratulations and high fives and big hugs to you at your belle moment... xoL

[Gypsy Alex]

I'm so proud of you and even more inspired by you every day! You are amazing!!! And you're so cute too ;) Doing cartwheels, clapping and cheering you w/ all my heart! xo

[melissa]

This is so exciting!! I hope you send me more text updates tomorrow...it almost makes me feel like I'm there with you watching the presses. Its going to be so exciting to crack open my copy and enjoy a day of reading...because I know I won't be able to put it down. Love you!!! xoxo

[melanie]

i can't believe it won't be long until we can get this delicious book. I have been looking forward to it releasing for months!

i am so very happy for you, Christine! it sounds like it has been quite a journey. I feel exhilarated just watching the process.

three cheers for you.

are you doing a book tour, you coming to NM by chance?? :)

[violetkey]

Awesome!!! I'm excited for you! Can't image what it would be like to do a press check for a personal project - wanting to get the colors just so. I know i like doing them for my company though.

You've been really brave to talk about all your fears. Your book WILL sell!

[Elizabeth]

oh WOW WOW WOW

I LOVE how you poured out your true feelings here and just sat with the full tidal wave of fear and panic and WTF madness of this creative leap-- must be akin to the feeling of what bungee jumpers go through, non?

all I know is you are MAGNIFICENT and an inspiration to us all!!!

HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS