Something in me has settled down, and while I know this is the way - the path of light and joy - it is strangely unnerving. Stories that I thought would never stop their constant replay in my mind have evaporated; conversations I thought would someday happen and give me the closure or reconciliation that was eluding me have finally revealed themselves as what they truly are - figments of my imagination rather than meaningful possibilities. It is unnerving and slightly uncomfortable in the same way it is a little bit scary to begin a new series of work. The discomfort is a sign that I am onto something good, that I am moving in a healthy direction, that change is happening. There is growth and movement and a deeper settling into my own skin. I want to be skeptical of it, to doubt that it is real and will last, and this is where I must tread very carefully. It is entirely possible for me to let my fears and doubts take over and stir up whatever I can to keep these stories going. It is entirely possible I could sabotage this very delicate yet powerful shift that is occurring within me.
Because in a strange way, these stories have been comforting, have given my life a certain form and structure. I am who I am because of the stories that have shaped me, so what happens if I let go of those stories?
So simple: I will still be me. I will still be an artist. I will still breathe. I will still love silence.
This year started out feeling heavy, where I tried to approach every experience of my life without judgment and with full acceptance, but constantly felt like I was falling short of where I needed to be to come to terms with so many stories that felt somehow unresolved. But lately - after a series of moments and events that look totally unrelated - there has been a deeper softening in my heart than I have ever felt, and there is a level of stillness in my mind that I am still getting used to. A stillness that comes from the recognition that in each moment there is perfection, and while it may be human nature to want to strive, reach, move, build and create, there must also be room for the truth that everything is OK exactly where it is right now.
As I work to create a life that is meaningful, I do so within the context of it being meaningful all on its own, for its own mysterious reasons that I will likely never have a full understanding of. And in that sense, I can approach my life as something that has less to do with pushing, pulling, grasping and forcing and more to do with simply doing my best, drinking up each day, breathing deeply and letting the joy seep through my bones.
"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself." ~Zen Proverb