Right now: Piles of laundry on my kitchen table, counter and chair. A pile of paper that needs to be sorted through. A salt shaker, my iPhone, a book, two pens, and a pair of glasses on my kitchen table. Laundry basket, shoes and trash basket on top of cabinets. Baby gates blocking one side of the kitchen, four dining room chairs set down sideways to block the other side (two wider gates due to arrive today.)
I am not comfortable with disorder, don't like the feeling I get when my entire peripheral vision is filled with things, with objects. I heard through the grapevine that I'm known to keep a very tidy house and it's true. I laughed out loud when this was shared with me, laughed that it even merited someone's attention enough to pass that little detail of my life around.
I am having to let go of many details of "tidiness" and organization these days, not only in my kitchen but also in our bedroom, where we've moved a rug, a table, two lamps and our bath mats. I'm having to let go of the deadline I set for the launch of my new website. I'm having to do my best to ignore all the stories from the 100 Books Project that are sitting on my computer waiting to be posted on this blog. My work in the studio is over for at least the next 4-6 weeks, and I'm having to sneak in work at home between laundry, dishes, puppy training sessions, puppy visitors, meals and sleep. Today I let go of trying to be super-human, taking the risk that one person in particular will think very poorly of me.
In other words, the level of disorder and Not Being On Top of Things in my life right now has gone far beyond my comfort zone, and I'm having to choose ~ on a daily basis ~ how to respond to that. I'm trying to be graceful about it, to choose my battles carefully, and be quiet when I need to. I want to take this opportunity to shed one more layer of the belief system that I am not enough.
I love to work hard, to inspire, to push myself, to reach and run and take on more than I should. I love it. But there is also that line ~ that very thin line ~ between the passion behind my drive and the feeling of "not enough-ness" that has the potential to creep into that journey. There are all kinds of routines and patterns in my life that have been shattered by a little clumsy four-legged wonder named Tilda, and I'm trying to let her barrel in and dismantle it all, so I can continue learning how to let go, and be enough, and still keep a tidy house.