Swirly Girl

Details

[Photo taken by Andrea Scher]

It is almost noon and I am still in my first thing out of bed uniform of Adidas sweatpants and t-shirt.  Haven't washed my face or gotten dressed; I woke up, threw on some clothes, did the crossword puzzle, had coffee, came upstairs and have been at my computer all morning. 

I have been in a weird head space the past few days, feeling a cloud of doubt and fear swirl around me that has created a giant swell of resistance towards my book.  I have learned to be patient with these inexplicable mood shifts, always being grateful they don't take me so deep I can't at least go through the motions of what I need to get done on any given day.  I am not going to explain this well at all, but there is a Buddhist story about a spirit/spiritual entity that is an enemy of the Buddha, and whenever this entity would show up, Buddha would be like, "Hey there!!  Come closer to me and let's hang out!!"  There is much more to it than that, but I love the idea that instead of resisting or trying to fight this entity, Buddha simply invited it in to stay as long as it liked.  That is how I try to deal with these little dark clouds that sometimes float into my consciousness - just let them be there, trusting they'll eventually get bored by my inattention and float away.

I have been able to distract myself with a lot of little things, including a last minute trip I must now take up north to my printer tomorrow.  Trying to print a hardcover and softcover version of my book is turning out to be a rather technically difficult challenge, so I have to take all of my completed pages to my printer to discuss margins, bleed requirements and whether or not a 1/8" shift between the two versions will throw off my designs too much.  We'll also be setting firm deadlines for when I'll have to get my final artwork to them, and today on the phone a date in June was actually thrown out to me.  I almost fainted, but decided not to panic until tomorrow when we can map everything out face to face, knowing there is probably a bit more wiggle room in there as far as the final final possible deadline.

I am going to go downstairs, have lunch, then wash my face and put some proper clothes on so I can spend the entire afternoon writing.  I am in a weird, somewhat grumpy, doubtful, fearful mood and I think this is the best possible time to honestly explore this experience for my book.  If I wait until I'm perfectly cheery or feeling like a rock star, I run the risk of adding too rosy of a sheen to the darker moments in our lives.  Knowing I've been far lower than this at other times in my life I am confident today's writing won't go too far down the rabbit hole, but will instead (hopefully) be an honest observation and recognition of all the ways we can maneuver through these periods of doubt and insecurity with our faith in the world and ourselves intact.

“The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”  -Erich Fromm

Back

[Nest in a Smoke Tree, found on a hike last week in Joshua Tree National Park]

I am back.  Back from a long vacation, back from a myriad of computer and internet issues, back from what seems like an eternity ago when I felt like I was "in the zone" with my work, fully connected to my creative tribe, buzzing along like a hummingbird in a field of honeysuckle. 

We returned from our southern California road trip on Friday and proceeded to have a strangely productive weekend, getting errands and tasks marked off the to do lists that have been waiting in the wings since before we left.  Our vacation was also a time of movement, with almost daily bicycle rides of 24 miles, 35 miles, 45 miles and more, plus a ten mile hike just for good measure.  We drove to Palm Springs, Joshua Tree, Santa Barbara and Santa Ynez and then, as if we had not done enough driving, took off for lunch in Ojai with two of our best friends yesterday.  I did not get a whole lot of writing done as I thought I might, but that is way plans often go when it comes to vacations, and I still have a number of weeks in front of me to finish up the remaining book pages that need to be translated from my brain onto paper.

Summer, for me, is now officially in full swing, which means I have a long list of plans, guests and people to coordinate between now and early fall.  My anxiety over staying on top of all of this while at the same time finishing my book seemed to grow by the minute over the weekend, and I am having to make a very concerted effort to take today gently.  I have the usual back from a vacation things to catch up on and am also managing a new round of house projects.  To see all the different pieces of pie laid out in this blog entry makes me realize I need to start on this path with a calm and easy step.  House.  Guests.  Travel.  Friends.  Family.  Book.  Normal Life Stuff.  Yesterday it felt like a lot; today I'm trying to take one step at a time and avoid overloading my brain with a tangle of details.  I have a feeling I'll be making a lot of lists over the next many weeks.

I had a zany thought last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep - what if I just tossed in the towel, cancelled my book, shut down my Etsy shop, stopped blogging and lived a quiet life that wasn't about trying to make any great impact on the world beyond my own backyard?  What is it in me that drives me to be so many things to so many people, to want to create as much light and inspiration in the world as I possibly can?  Could I live that life?  That life where I let all of this go and turn much more inward?

"Help us to be the always hopeful
Gardeners of the spirit
Who know that without darkness
Nothing comes to birth
As without light
Nothing flowers."

-From Journal of a Solitude, May Sarton

Who You Are

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and be that perfectly."  -Zen Proverb

A Little Bit Lost

[One of my favorite paintings by the lovely Mati McDonough]

It is Wednesday as I write this, and I just finished a post about all of my latest computer woes.  While I have a working internet connection, I'm going for it all the way, creating a few more posts to go up while I am on vacation.  When this post appears on my blog, I will most likely be on a bicycle somewhere around Santa Barbara, trying to clear my head before the next big push on my book project.

The last two weeks have been a blur of technical difficulties and a lot of other personal distractions.  I haven't worked intently on my book in many days, and that resentful feeling I get when I can't work in my studio for a long spell is starting to creep into my brain and therefore, my mood.  I have been holding it all together for many days, trying to keep it all in perspective and not lose my patience, but that went flying out the window this morning and I'm just now coming back down to earth.  I can't help but chuckle knowing it is taking a vacation to help me get back to work on my book, as I have a long list of topics I still want to write about and a brand new journal to fill while I'm away.  We don't have anything on our agenda aside from bicycle riding, hiking and visiting friends, so I plan on diving back into my writing during what will be a lot of down time.

I feel like I got fairly way off track a little too easily lately, like I lost my compass and everything on my priority map got turned upside down.  As much as I try to live by the idea that every moment of my life could be fodder for my creative work, this past week I have not felt any significant swells of inspiration as I've tried to decipher data on wireless internet routers and a tangle of ethernet cables.  But my deadlines are the same and the rest of the world is still expecting this book to be delivered by its promised date, so I must simply chalk up these past many days to Dealing With Other Things and direct my next steps back towards my book.  I'll be doing that in the desert, and on the road and by the ocean...not a bad place to be to find your way back home.

It Has All Been Going Pear-Shaped

[One of my newest prints available on Etsy]

I learned this phrase - "It all went pear-shaped" - from a bit on NPR about British expressions.  This one basically means everything went haywire, and I just about fell out of my chair with laughter when a friend of mine from across the pond used it.  I don't know why I find it so hysterical, but I guess in those moments when things are, in fact, going pear-shaped, it is good to find laughter wherever you can.

Let's see...my wireless internet work started going pear-shaped last week but I was still able to access the internet from around the house connecting through an old wireless set up.  Over the weekend that went totally pear-shaped for no apparent reason so there was no internet access to be had anywhere in the house.  During a phone call with Verizon tech support I discovered I could hardwire directly to the main internet cable and, voila! I had internet access...in our laundry room.  This was two days ago.  Guess where I'm still working?  Our laundry room.

Our tech support guy, who set up our entire wireless network, was supposed to show up yesterday to take a look at everything but that, too, went pear shaped when he didn't show up or bother to call.  My husband and I, being the ambitious sorts we are, decided to take matters in our own hands, and we marched into the Apple store, explained our problems, got a new router and came home to plug it all in.  Need I mentioned the variety of fruit whose shape this scenario resembles?

IN BETWEEN ALL THIS, I am having to lug my desktop iMac to the Apple store to try to recover all the data in my address book that disappeared last week, upgrade my operating system and back up every inch of data I have on to two separate hard drives.  For the most part, that has all gone relatively smoothly, although a two-year old version of my address book was all that could be recovered and I'm now having to collect a lot of contact information for the second time this year.

Yadda.  Yadda.  Yadda.

I've basically been swimming in pear soup for a week now and this morning I finally reached a point where I seriously considered the Amish way of life, where computer issues would no longer plague me and I could take out any other frustrations by pounding a hammer as I raise my neighbor's barn.  Just thinking about it right now, as I sit here on a kitchen chair in my 6'x6' laundry room with my husband's laptop literally atop my lap, makes me feel all warm and dreamy inside.

The good news is that a new tech support guy is on his way this afternoon and despite the wildly intermittent internet service I've had, I managed to get the work I needed to get done finished before I leave all this behind tomorrow for a whirlwind tour of southern California.  My husband and I are headed to Palm Springs, Joshua Tree, Santa Barbara & Santa Ynez with our bicycles and hiking boots, ready to explore, ride, climb and wander.  We went on a lot of road trips when were first dating, and in the midst of new jobs, too many moves and other life changes, we lost sight of how much we love throwing our bags in the car and hitting the road.

I'm scheduling a few smaller posts to go up while I am away...taking advantage of my laundry room hardwired, internet access while I can.  May the rest of your week be free of all things pear-shaped and instead filled with easy laughter and perfect internet service.

Attention

[Santa Ynez, CA :: Taken last month]

First off, many thanks for everyone's comments and suggestions regarding the sudden disappearance of my address book.  I have an appointment at the Apple Store today, when I will haul in my computer and pray my data can be recovered.  Regardless of what happens with that, I will then have to come home and call our tech guy to try to solve a problem with our Airport unit, another issue that came up this week out of nowhere and isn't going away no matter what I try.  This hasn't been the best week on the technical front, but I am trying to keep it all in perspective.

I have quite a lot of friends that are facing much greater difficulties than I am right now, and I have been feeling a certain heaviness in my heart this week because of this.  The tempting thoughts are, "What can I possibly do to make their pain/struggles/woes go away?"  While this is a normal response to seeing those we love hurting, I am also trying to keep in mind that everyone's journey has its own ups and downs for reasons I can never possibly comprehend.  I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea that everything in our life is pre-determined or pre-destined, but I do believe our lives play out a certain story for reasons that are unique to each and every one of us, and this includes those times when we all walk around wondering why it has to feel like such an uphill battle. 

In working through challenges and facing fears we think are impossible for us to conquer, much joy, beauty and strength can be found.  It takes effort and it can be strenuous, but perhaps in wishing my friends' difficulties would up and disappear I risk taking away the very thing that will enable them to grow more magnificently than ever before.  Saying this also feels terribly unfair to people I do not know in faraway lands whose suffering clearly does not have any rhyme, reason or purpose, and this is where the notion of freedom plays a key role.  No matter what we are facing, our ability to deal with them freely gives us the opportunity to create something strong and powerful out of the muck.  More than anything, this is what I wish for when I see my friends hurting.

I know I am on the verge of diving off into a wild array of tangents here, which is perhaps what I need to keep me distracted from the possibility that my entire list of contacts might be gone forever.  This is a problem, but it is hardly the worst problem.  Despite this and a week of spotty internet, I have still managed to have some wonderful breakthroughs with my work, and for that I am feeling very grateful right now.  Grateful for this week, even with the bumps.

Desperate

It is all I can do not to careen into an expletive-laden post here as I am on the verge of a panic attack.  For the second time in just a few months, the entire contents of my address book have completely vanished for no apparent reason.  The last time this happened I was able to recover quite a bit from my backup hard drive, and I backed up this file just last week...but for some reason even my backup is coming up empty.

I have spoken to Apple Tech Support and they have told me there is nothing that can be done to recover these files.  This is my entire database, all friends, all business contacts...everything...gone.

Has anyone run into this problem?  Anyone have any suggestions?

Freaking out over here...

Inventory

Once again, I am shifting gears with my work without having made any plans to do so before now...it is simply happening in its own way and I feel like I'm just along for the ride.  My focus for many weeks has been on creating pages and writing, and seemingly out of nowhere late Monday afternoon, I decided it was time to take a more definitive inventory of everything created so far.  The past two days have been spent scanning and photographing everything, sizing it correctly and printing everything out.  I now have a stack of 118 potential book pages sitting neatly on my desk and I am going to try my best to leave them alone until next week.  I have been buried so deep in this work I think it will be better to step out of the zone for a little while so I can return to everything with fresh eyes.

I have already started a list of other topics I want to cover and stories I want to tell, and even though I do not think I have a great number of pages still to write and create in terms of quantity, I do believe I have much more to write in terms of quality and depth.  The topics currently on my list of things to write about:  Disappointment, Challenges, Loss, Failure.  Yikes...but I have already been able to see from the pages spewing out from my printer that these subjects are in need of some serious attention if this is to be a well-balanced book that isn't afraid to swim in murky waters.  I want this book to be insightful, inspiring and uplifting not just because it floats along that beautiful silver lining that exists in every dark cloud, but because it goes directly to the heart of those dark clouds and turns them inside out.

"Into my heart's night
Along a narrow way
I groped; and lo! the light,
An infinite land of day."
~Rubaiyat of Rumi

Caution: Work Zone

I have a peculiar fascination with snails, and every morning when I walk out to get our newspapers I am sure to step carefully over the morning's last stragglers making their way to shaded areas before the sun is in full force.  Last week I came across this little guy, who, believe it or not, was difficult to photograph because he wouldn't stay still.  This photo does not give the perspective I was aiming for, but he was only a little over an inch long.  I'm not sure what it is about these creatures, but I have always loved them and my husband always laughs at me when I pick up them up off of sidewalks and put them in a safe area so they won't get stepped on and squashed.  Is it not the craziest coincidence that the Beanie Baby called Swirly was a snail?

I am, as they say, In The Zone, where creating, painting and writing my book are all happening in that magical, flowing space where I feel like the Creative Muses are singing their chorus wildly and passionately, and that energy is being swept directly from their voices, through my hands and onto paper.  I am not always in this zone, and before too long I will have to shift gears entirely in order to scan, photograph and format more than 150 pages by the end of July, so for right now I am splashing about and laughing my head off as I ride these powerful waves to the horizon.  I wake up and can't wait to get into my studio; at the end of each day my first few minutes in the shower are spent peeling paint off of my hands.  In the middle of fixing dinner, I race to find a piece of paper to jot down a thought, a line or an idea and before I walk downstairs to fix my coffee I can't help but look at some of my latest creations to make sure I am still happy with them.

Whatever this magic combination of light, inspiration, passion and circumstance is, I'm going with it...trying to enjoy it rather than analyze it, trying to let it flow through me rather than clinging to it desperately.

Sneak Preview

[Four new prints available at Etsy!]

I am now officially obsessed with my book, jotting down notes wherever I go and contemplating ideas for new pages, images, and writing 24/7.  I was in Boulder over the weekend and it turned out to be a surprisingly productive few days.  Throughout my life I have always managed to get much more done during times when my plate is not just full, but brimming over.  I do not advocate a life of non-stop activity, but during those times when the burners are on full blast, I get a lot more done than when deadlines are far away and goals remain unfocused ideas in my mind.  So the fact that I got quite a lot accomplished during a weekend when I was also visiting family and dear friends isn't really surprising.

I have been feeling torn lately over whether or not I should keep the contents of my book completely underwraps until it is finished, not daring to expose anything until I can yank the purple velvet cover off of it in one full sweep of the arm, creating a grand send-off with doves, glitter and blaring trumpets.  I woke up this morning with a detailed image in my mind of being sprawled out on my studio floor all day, working on book layouts, but after getting our tax forms sent on their merry way, I came home and started working on new prints from my book...without even thinking about it.  It just kind of happened, and I didn't resist.

My book is going to be somewhere between 140 and 160 pages, so these four new prints are a tiny glimpse at what will be inside, but I couldn't wait to start letting at least a little bit of this creative adventure spill out into the world.