Before I Could Blink

Bright blue butterfly in Iguazu Falls, Argentina.  Taken in October 2006.

Imagine falling backward from ten stories high, landing on the biggest, cushiest, fluffiest pillow ever created, and how, as you fall deeper and deeper into the pillow, the sides would begin to surround you, so that perhaps someone watching from above might not even be able to see you at a certain point because you have simply been overwhelmed by the fluff of the pillow.  That is how I have felt this past week, as if I have been slowly but surely falling deeper and deeper into the fluff of a pillow, and that pillow is contentment, dare I say happiness.  As much as I am a glass-is-half-full kind of person most of the time, this is still a state of existence that makes me a little bit nervous.  My irrational fear is that the minute I allow myself to fall back into this big, fluffy pillow, all hell will break loose.  I'm not sure if this is a universal fear that many people have or if it is simply the result of getting the wind knocked out of me unexpectedly one too many times.  Regardless, I have a peculiar awareness of those moments when I'm feeling secure, safe and that - actually - nothing can go wrong.  Life could not be more perfect even with its imperfections.  The stars are aligning.  I have enough.  I do enough.  I am enough.

That feeling that I believe we all want - that notion that we are blessed with all of life's most important gifts - it is this feeling that, ironically, makes me want to put up my guard.  "Be aware - this is happiness, after all, and it won't last, so don't get too comfortable."

Here's another one - "You call spending a Saturday afternoon in your pajamas watching a movie, making jewelry and reading magazines living life to the fullest?  Is this the most productive, inspiring, ambitious thing you could be doing today?!"  I pride myself on devouring life to a passion, so as much as I need and treasure my down time, I still often times go through a bit of a guilt trip when I take weekends like this one, where the most ambitious thing I've done is attend parties and make eggs for breakfast.

I know better than to let things like fear and guilt get in the way of sinking deeply into the beauty of each moment, but there are still times when I have to raise my sword and shield against both of these things so that I can fall backwards with abandon, limp like a rag doll, into the giant fluff of pillow that my life sometimes actually is.

All I was doing the other night was washing dishes, on an evening like every other evening this week where my husband and I have met each other at our kitchen table later than usual for dinner, both exhausted from running around like lunatics all day.  Him dealing with a huge end of the year to do list at work, me playing my annual role as Santa Claus, in charge of all things Christmas.  We had a simple meal and I was cleaning up.  He was at his laptop doing some online gift shopping.  All of a sudden I looked over at him and felt a gentle wave wash over me, as if there was a force in the world that wanted to make sure I recognized how perfect that moment really was.  We had just eaten dinner in our own home, a home we love immensely and which now has a colorful Christmas tree with presents underneath.  We were both healthy and had recently returned from a fun trip to NYC with two of our dearest friends.  And it struck me as strangely poetic that this is it - this is the life we have worked so hard to create.  These are the moments we get to enjoy now.  Quiet nights at home where we share our day with each other, eat dinner and, later, fall asleep next to each other in perfect silence.

My heart has been on the verge of bursting into a million pieces, overwhelmed by gratitude and joy, at so many different times this year, in the midst of extraordinary as well as mundane experiences.  As much fun as the extraordinary moments are, I find the quieter ones more meaningful, more lovely in their simplicity.  Anyone can get on a plane and travel to a foreign country, create a work of art and have a wedding, but I'm the only person in the whole world who gets to fix dinner for my husband and hear how his day was each evening, hug him every morning and share this home with him.  In these ways and so many more the simple becomes the extraordinary, the "normal" becomes wholly unique.  That evening - for no grand reason in particular - was its own tiny universe, an instant that encompassed every other instant of my wonderfully imperfect life, and I held it like a fragile, dainty butterfly, loving that it wanted nothing more than for me to stop and notice it.

Then in one quick instant, it fluttered away, and before I could blink, it was gone.

Comments

[melba]

Christine you are a bright light for this world.
Keep flying high and showing us how to soar!

Happy Holidays!

XOXO,
Melba

[Ash]

Merry Christmas to you...

Greetings from India!

[Angela Giles Klocke]

Wishing you a beautiful holiday!

[Sophie]

Merry Christmas :)

Sophie

[Popeye]

Good moments are good moments any way they come and any way you have them. .

[David L]

Your voice was great to hear today...(such a simple thing, yet so profound to my day)

I have noticed the more I work with my creative callings the
more aware of the "now" and love moments I am rewarded with.. You have always inspired me (us all) by your "work" ethic toward
creativity..

I just read an insightful book for anyone feeling resistance or roadblocks to their natural creative talents....

The War of ART by Steven Pressfield

(not to be confused with the Art of War by Sun Tzu)

your journal entry also inspired me to share these two quotes I enjoy....

"The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden, because of their simplicity and their familiarity.

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

Also, my favorite quote for any endeavor..
(it's actually framed on my wall)

"The shortest answer is doing" - english proverb

Love Dave L.

[Kerstin]

The fact that you recognize this moment, that you are aware of it and can embrace it, just for what it is, says a lot about how far you've come within yourself. I discern a wonderful sense of contentment, but also an acknowledgement of the tough times and the hard work that you have endured, and which got exactly to where you are now. Where you are meant to be.

I also draw comfort from this post because I recognize this moment, for I have felt it, too, with my husband. And it is those moments that make the difficulty of being where I am worthwile.

Have a magical Christmas, Christine :)

Kerstin

[la vie en rose]

yes! oh i love this. i think i was raised to believe that you had to work hard to deserve the good things in life...that i didn't deserve them just for the plain simple fact that i was me. and with so much happening in the world that is negative--homelessness, war, crime, violence, etc.--there is guilt attached to feeling happy and content and i think i sometimes even will the goodness away because i'm hesitant to embrace and accept it. why me? why do i deserve this? and so i push it further away instead of honoring it.

[patry]

I love this post!

[penelope]

OH MY GOD, how beautiful! You are so amazing... so in the moment. I'm happy you have that!

Well written, miss!

[Katrina]

This is so beautiful. I thank you for writing it.

[melissa]

this is so beautiful!

[kelly]

oh girlie....how true how true. i have those moments with b. and i cherish each one. because it is then that i know i am walking the right path. that after 10 years of knowing him, i still swoon. it
was funny when we were talking in the car
about living a calmer, simpler life. i was
so glad to here you say that. that is what
i strive for [although some days i feel i
am failing miserably] but to get there is
the goal and you are on your way.

once again thank you so much for wednesday.
it was the highlight of my trip. a formal big thanks will be on its way, it has been utter chaos since we returned. you have a beautiful spirit and i have been blessed by
that. merry christmas girlie!

[liz elayne]

the evening was its own tiny universe.

this is such a beautiful statement swirly. in my sleepiness right now, i am drawn to write this: that was a moment when it all came together and you got what you were supposed to know in that moment. you touched at the bottom of the skirt of contentment. something we are all striving to feel but sometimes think we have to feel it in some certain way. to know what happiness really feels like is a true blessing. thank you for sharing this experience...