Grounding

Taken in Tokyo, June 2006.

I am deep in training mode for the upcoming Breast Cancer 3-Day, so on weekends you can find me walking all over Santa Monica, building up my endurance with distances that started at two miles and are now up to fifteen.  I like to create routes that are fairly close to my house so it is easy to make pit stops, re-fill my water bottle, grab a snack and stretch.

I have come to look forward to these long stretches of time where my main task is to simply walk, where I can enjoy music and podcasts on my ipod, think, ponder, imagine and enjoy all the beautiful flowers and trees along the way.  I have a long list of lectures from Zencast.org on my ipod and listening to these has become one of my favorite rituals.  There is something serenely delicious about walking in the morning, with sunlight sparkling on the leaves, listening to words of wisdom and guidance that never fail to give me a new perspective on whatever conundrums happen to be muddling my brain at the time.  I am still struggling with the fallout of a huge loss from the beginning of the year - and am learning that all of my strange health issues are a significant part of this process - and these lectures have given me many insights and tools that are very helpful.

Over the past many months I have done as much as I can to focus on taking better care of myself.  While this started because of my health, I am beginning to see now that this is just as much about my soul as about any of the issues that have been addressed with procedures, pills, blood tests and surgeries.  While the importance of exercise, eating well and getting enough rest are valuable, letting go of the desire to be SuperWoman is even more important.  A lot of teeny tiny moments of release are making just as much of a difference as the fact that I work out many times a week now.  I don't make the bed every day.  I don't cram my calendar with social activities out of obligation.  I have become messier and maybe even a little bit less accountable.  I have missed deadlines and dropped the ball.  I have said no.  I have worried less about trying to be The Perfect Wife and I am re-learning how to cry more easily.  I am embracing my imperfect self and maybe even celebrating her.  As I try to forgive those who have hurt me, I am also creating space to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made throughout my life.

In one of the lectures I listened to recently, the speaker said forgiveness was letting go of wishing for a different past.  I found this incredibly comforting, and a profound reminder of the power of right now.  Right now I might not be as productive as I could be, there is laundry to be done and errands to do, my camera is broken, I have a flat tire on my bike and my bedroom is a mess.  But I am sitting in a home I love and it is a beautiful day.  In this precise moment, all is perfect, even my imperfect self.

Comments

[leah]

oh, those walks sound so healing! thanks for pointing out the zencast. that last line you shared about forgiveness really touched me. (((hugs)))

[heather]

Thank you so much for that post! You give me such hope and inspiration to live an authentic life.

[Frida]

I hear you so well on this point. I read Susannah's comment as well and you know what? I can't help thinking about how we, i.e. women who ask too much of themselves, women of unrelenting standards, are going to blow ourselves and the world away once we all learn this lesson. Let go a little bit more and let our goodness flow gently and easily. Enjoy those walks! Wish I could join you.

[Frida]

I hear you. It seems my stranglehold on my own life, demanding only the very best at all times, may have taken a little too long to overcome under normal circumstances so I led myself to Afghanistan. Here, I couldn't pick one day when I measure up to the standards I once thought were invioable. I too now miss deadlines, and hand over papers that I once would have never allowed to see the light of day, I drop balls and fail over and over again and - lo and behold - through it all I am still making a positive difference. I am still doing a good job. I miss yoga sessions and haven't been for a run in three months, I eat what I can get which is sometimes the kind of food I would never have allowed past my lips in a past life. Yet, my health is good, my body has not collapsed or transformed into an unrecognisable blob. You are so right - doing the good things for ourselves is important. But for me nothing is more important than letting go a little bit. Letting go of my unrelenting standards and of my expectations of myself and others. I'm also off to find Zencast. Thanks!

[sunny]

Christine, I thank you, too. It takes guts to do what you're doing -- across the board. Congratulations! :-)

[fabulousJEN*]

Thank you for this post. I spent this morning walking and I wondered why I don't do it more often. I love the feel of the wind on my face and the ability to notice things I never see when driving.
I appreciate the reminder to take good care of myself as well as the encouragement to relax. I remain, striving for balance.

[susannah]

two words that keep swirling around my head are 'perfectly imperfect'... i am learning how to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and, my god, it's a hard lesson! this post was something i needed to read today - thank you... off to go investigate Zencast..

ps i thought your article was fab :-)

[Cam]

Thank you for this! I'm longing for those moments of release (and forgiveness) and reading this makes me feel that some day it might be possible in my life.