Interior Battles

Taken in Winston-Salem last week.

New Flash!  Check out "In Between" - my article in the latest edition of the ever-inspiring All Things Girl.

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I landed safely at LAX last night about 9:30pm and when I finally set foot back in my home after a ten-day absence it felt like I had been gone a year.  While my husband was on one of his motorcycle adventures - this time riding from LA to Washington and back - I was in DC and Raleigh catching up with my mom and many of my dearest friends, including one I was not expecting to see, as he lives in Dallas, the result of a lovely surprise that gave the entire trip an extra special glow.  It is always bittersweet when I spend time back east near the neighborhoods where I learned to drive and where my lifelong soulmates live.   Every street, corner, building and landmark seems to drip with nostalgia, and I sometimes feel a strange sense of loss when I am there.

It is days like today when I feel like I am at war with myself, where these two passionate sides of me are forced to stand face to face and battle out their differences.  There is that side of me that feels compelled to visit every country I read about in the Sunday newspaper Travel sections (this week - Greenland!) and the side of me that was crazy with homesickness by the time I was halfway through this trip.  I woke up insanely early this morning and gave up trying to fall back asleep, knowing today's to do list would continue scrolling up and down in my head until I decided to get up and start tackling it.  Laundry, throwing out everything in the fridge that went bad while we were away, recycling the mountains of catalogs that filled our mailbox, reconciling bank accounts, paying some bills, going to the grocery story...every task feels like it is a slap in the face of that part of me that wants to sell the house and everything in it and go.  I love my home and my life here but sometimes resent the huge responsibilities it entails; I want to travel as much as possible and soak in the world but still feel uneasy at the idea of relinquishing at least some kind of permanent home.  I want to meet people and make friends on all parts of the planet but as I get older my loyalties to those friends who have stuck with me over the years grows fiercer and fiercer, and I am wary of taking too much time and energy away from them.  I was so profoundly happy to be back home last night but woke up a total grouch and my first order of business was to sit on my couch and sob my eyes out.

I don't see these interior battles as scenarios with a good angel and a bad angel sitting atop each shoulder trying to pull me one way at the complete expense of the other.  The point isn't for one side to "win" or "lose", but to move through the tight spots with my integrity and priorities intact and to keep things in perspective.  How lucky am I to have my mom and so many friends in a beautiful part of the country, who I know will take care of me while I am with them, and how lucky am I to have a cozy home to return to with the love of my life willing to pick me up at the airport despite being exhausted and battling a nasty cold to boot.  I will probably always go through life feeling slightly unmoored, with no real geographic center in which to place my emotional and psychological compass, and maybe that is why days like today feel so full of angst.  My first days back from long trips have been emotional and intense for as long as I can remember, and perhaps it is because I am having to straddle these two selves on these days.  From the moment I step off the airplane or pull my car in the driveway I have to shift all gears and re-align my viewfinder, and all the loosey-goosey, see-where-the-wind-takes-me energy of my latest journey has to immediately step aside so Little Miss Organizer can step in and get everything ship-shape.

I am beginning to understand that these are actually deliciously sweet frustrations, having been born of my ability to create a life fueled by my greatest passions.  When the vines get tangled and I prick my finger on a thorn, it isn't blood that oozes out but honey, a reminder that beneath the anxieties that float along the surface lies a much greater truth:  that I am blessed to live an extraordinary life.

Comments

[alex]

Loved your writing in all things girl!

[Lianne]

LA is my home... and when I go back to visit my emotions around it always catch me off guard.

I also think that completing a trip or journey that was anticipated and planned for can cause depression and apathy.

Your writing is beautiful.

[anne]

amen.

[Cre8Tiva]

oh life's sweet cunundrums...i am all about Divine timelines lately...so i know exactly what you mean...traveling so much this fall has made me wistful and feeling like i am leaving somethinf undone...but i am trying to learn to do what i can, when i can...and leave the rest to the universe...welcome home...blessings, rebecca

[la vie en rose]

yes, yes, yes! cheers to your extraordinary life!

[Frida]

Oh lovely Christine - I feel this post to the bottom of my toes! Thank you for putting it into such beautiful words. nice to both be home I guess - although not without it's complex feelings.

[leah]

i really enjoyed your article at atg! i know those times well, those in between times. so much easier to relax into it, but so hard to remember to do! i've got some art up in the same issue, called "flying."

[leah]

i really enjoyed your article at atg! i know those times well, those in between times. so much easier to relax into it, but so hard to remember to do! i've got some art up in the same issue, called "flying."

[Popeye]

Oh yeah. The main reason I get the Sunday New York Times is for the travel section. There are so many places to go. . .

[melissa]

I thought I got all of my crying out yesterday when I dropped you at the airport...guess not. I was really grouchy today because you left...it is hard being so far apart but it is fun to be able to come visit you in the phat palace...and to have you come relax here. We are extremely lucky that we are able to travel, visit each other and many other amazing places...it truly is an amazing life...and I am so so lucky to have you in it! xoxo

[Rekoj]

What a beautiful post - I understand that war - I engage in it too sometimes even if I was only absent for a weekend. You've pegged the cause right on the nose - it's the see-where-the-wind-takes-you vacation energy combating the-get-back-to-business energy that usually ends in an unmovable lump on the couch doing neither. If I ever figure a cure I'll definetly pass it onwards.

[Terry Jones]

Awe Shucks....Glad you had a great time.

You know....I'll bet no one who reads this site knows what a great dart thrower you are. Don't challenge her, she'll take your money.

Hi....