As I Said, Aware and Intense

[Photo taken by Stacy de la Rosa]

How do you say all the things you need to say to someone, things you've held in for what feels like a lifetime - all those big and small dustballs that you've chosen to sweep beneath the rug, behind the bed, out the door?  What happens the day you wake up and realize the time you've had to ignore what was real and truthful is gone, and that the crossroads you've hoped would never appear is not just on the horizon, but at your feet?  The past twelve months seem to be my time for crossroads, journeys I've needed to take with myself, my work, and so many relationships.  I see now that perhaps this has been so because I've needed a lot of practice, practice to face what must now be faced - a final frontier of truth and integrity in my life that I naively hoped would never come to fruition.

Forgive me, I've shown up here at a weak moment, and I'm only adding to the drama by listening to one of the most melancholy pieces of classical music I know.  I know very well how to feed my dark moods, my anger, my confusion, my fears.  They walk right up and devour what I have to offer straight out of my hands, curling their tiny fingers around mine as they lap up what I know will only make them stronger.  But sometimes, strangely enough, they need to be fed, and I have to give them everything I have to give.  Sometimes it is the only way to get rid of them.  As if they come in, I welcome them and say, "Here, take it all.  I'll let everything spill out of my heart, and when I've emptied myself of whatever muck has been getting in the way of my life, there will be nothing more to offer you.  And when I open my hand again, you will see it is empty, and then you will leave me alone."

Aware and intense, that is what this is all about.  A situation that makes me so aware and intense it is capable of shifting my mood like a slingshot within minutes.  But how strange it feels to know that this is all necessary and, in the long run, valuable.  This is about me standing firm in my intengrity, priorities and values, and about being willing to pay a great price in service to that.  I have paid it before, and I have no regrets about that.  I have not shared many details of these situations because I am uneasy with the idea of crossing the line into far too personal, but sometimes the awareness and intensity is so great that I must let some of it slip out, if only to express the truth that sometimes we have to make monstrously painful choices, but in those choices there lies freedom that we cannot comprehend for as long as we try to avoid the truth. 

I am having a moment of overwhelm right now, but I know it will soon pass.  I received two extraordinary gifts today, so beautiful that they literally made me stop what I was doing earlier today and say, "What a great day this is."  And despite this temporary detour down a lonely road, I will still go to sleep tonight believing this to be a great day.  I am not sitting here wishing for an easier life, or wishing certain details were different.  I sit here in acceptance, with a soundtrack of sad music and a handful of pixie dust.  It is a beautiful day.  In every way possible, it is a beautiful day.

Comments

[Lisa]

Every time I visit here I fall deeper in love.
Every. Time.

[Lisa]

Ms Swirly,
Know you are NEVER alone in those valleys. They have been trampled by many (oh so many!) of our feet. Look down and you'll see our footprints, and know the peak lies ahead.

[linda e]

my yoga instructor had us each close our eyes and select a strip of paper with our mantras for the year...mine? "The only thing constant is change." damn her. and no do-overs. linda e

[Marianne]

You are strong, you are brave, you stand in your integrity and in your truth. I love you and as far away as I may often seem I always stand with you in spirit.

x
M

[Indigene]

Life is an amazing journey...not always what we want, but there is always learning to be had! We all walk this journey with you, holding hands, learning from each other, hoping that what we learn, we can pass along to make somebody's load a tad lighter.

Thank you for sharing the process with words that are so relative and applicable. I send you warmth and the comfort of knowing. Hugs.

[stacy]

even in your weakest moments, the way you channel all that intensity and awareness into a blanket of truthful words is profound. keep sharing your heart.

sending you so much love
xo

[Cre8Tiva]

you are right where i am...that crossroads is here...choices i so do not want to make or hoped i never would have to make are upon me...and i must step out blindly, not knowing what lies ahead or even if there is an ahead...but i must move on anyway...my heart is with yours...

[Christine]

If we knew before what our lifes will be, would we start breathing at all?

And once we started to live all we can do is keep on breathing...

Thank You,
Christine

[Renate]

So painfully truthful, it wrings my heart. And yet so powerful. I get the image of a woman who is firmly standing her ground, with the tempest howling around her, inside her, yet she will come through this storm all the stronger.
Wishing you serenity,
Renate

[linni]

I wish I could write like you.
Thinking of you xx

[liz elayne]

the freedom that rests in being brave...in being fearless and seeing the stuff that is there, the crappy stuff, and living it anyway. living in a deep, wide, and real way. yes, that is it.

sending peace...

[Sara Moriarty]

intertwined with your beautifully honest and painful words is the strong fiber of courage. and although your overwhelm has pierced my awareness I believe, I know, that yes, it will pass and you'll be better for it.

for me blogging is about relating to women, celebrating their victories, mourning their sorrows, enjoying their inspirations. thank you for expressing your emotions and allowing me to relate to and cry with you. I'll be here to celebrate your victory as well.

peace&magic

Sara

[Lynne]

Your beautiful portrayal of a most tender time has taken my breath away... you are so very wise... I will take this post and print it out -- as there are so many treasures contained within it that I am sure I will want to refer back to it often over the next several days.

Wishing you peace...

[Trish]

Swirly Girly,

I am intuitively feeling where you are and it is a beautiful, turbulent, scary tide of emotion swelling and 'swirling'. In the midst there is a port of call of calm. I will meet you there.

I am sending my affection and love,
Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net

[Trish]

I am intuitively feeling where you are and it is a beautiful, scary turbulent ocean of emotion and you can so the port of call of calm in the distance.

I am sending you my love,

Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net

[Anna]

"The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings."
G. Bellin

I am hoping that Ms. Bellin is correct.

I am so sorry for the pain that is involved in this process but thankful that you were willing to share...

I have been living in a similar emotional/mental space for the past few weeks and it feels very lonely -- it's nice to know that I am not alone --

the sun came out today -- and even though it took me all day... I decided that while my mind could continue to duke it out with the demons, my body would go for a run. I am sore all over right now but feeling peaceful and thankful for a beautiful day.

Keep finding beauty. It is everywhere.

[Carolyn]

I know that horrible, wretched place all too well. And what we so often forget is that "at any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end." Quote courtesy of YOU :).

Your words are a true representation of that statement. You have decided to take control -- even if that means nurturing the negative emotions. You decided. And you decided that today is beautiful and it will end beautifully. Few people have that incredible awareness of self -- and even fewer people have that awareness and can go a step further to rationally restructure their thoughts. You are one inspiring woman!

-- I often read Maya Angelou's poems during rough times (and happy times). Not sure if you read her work, but you may find some of her poems very powerful.

Wishing you a beautiful day,
Carolyn

[grace]

thank you,
grace

[Lee Currie]

Brilliant.

Breathtaking.

Wow.

[beth]

this made me go to a dark place I try not to visit very often and really made me think about the fact that there are some changes I need to make in my life.....
thank you....

[Thea]

They walk right up and devour what I have to offer straight out of my hands, curling their tiny fingers around mine as they lap up what that I know will only make them stronger

Holy cow girl!!!!!

I am going to try to ring you.

xo