[Flowers from Squam Art Workshops June 2009, all unique and one-of-a-kind]
I’m just going to dive right in, and begin this entry with something someone said to me in one of the few quiet conversations I had at SAW. In a discussion about blogging, marketing and the blogging community, my companion said that she had the impression that certain members of the blogging community – myself included – were part of an exclusive circle of BFFs who all knew, loved and supported each other. I am paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it. Her motivation for wanting to talk about this and learn more about our circle was to learn how we connect with one another and how we market and support our own and each other’s work through these connections.
Her comment stayed with me, and the thoughts I’ve been having about it since then are twofold. One, it is disheartening that this is the impression someone has and I was happy to dispel the myth, and two, as much as I don’t want that to be the impression anyone has, I’m not at all comfortable with the idea of having to “prove” to the world that this isn’t the case. Not to mention the fact that no matter what I say or do, people are going to believe whatever they want to believe. This is something I have learned the hard way, that I cannot control what anyone else says, does or thinks, a truth that has taken months of focused attention to fully embrace with an open heart. So while a year ago I might have wanted to write a post saying, “No, no, no…we’re not exclusive and we’re not all super-connected, and let me give you examples to prove my point…” right now I am instead wanting to write a post that expresses how important it is for each and every one of us in this community – which includes those of us who attend SAW - to be aware of what stories we choose to cling to.
I think it is easy to see what we want to see in any given situation, and as humans with egos we are going to gravitate towards the stories that place us in the best light possible. I don’t say this from a place of judgment but of observation. I do it, you do it, my husband does it; I bet even from time to time the Dalai Lama does it. I can also state from experience that in many instances I have found the path to my truest self by observing others and seeing things I know I do not want to be. For most of my life I saw myself in these situations as better than the other person, as in, “I’ll never do that or be like that.” That’s right – judgmental, egotistic, arrogant. What I have been challenging myself to do in recent years is to instead observe my own reactions to someone else’s behavior and look at why that reaction is happening, and from there, if I come to see that their behavior is something I do not want to replicate, I say “Thank you for the lesson,” and move on. This is sometimes easier said than done, as I’m clearly not the Dalai Lama, but I have to say that the more I see my “adversaries” – or anyone who does things differently than I do - as my teachers, the better I feel. For me, it is all about living my life in a way that is meaningful, and letting everyone around me do the same in their own way. I can learn all kinds of things from observing the behavior of others, but I need to be careful about clinging to and creating stories that only serve to boost my ego.
How does all of this relate to SAW? I think it is worth sharing in this series of SAW posts because I am well aware of the impressions, fears, and anxieties some people have of the group dynamics of this gathering. And I’m not here to try to prove to anyone that they don’t exist, I’m wanting to express how important it is I think anyone attending SAW do four things:
* Keep expectations to a minimum.
* Come as you are and be as you are. Nothing more, nothing less.
* Remember that no one knows everything there is to know about another human being. We all go to New Hampshire with our own mixed bag of desires, needs and energy levels, and impressions don’t = truth. They’re just impressions.
* Ask for what you want. This, I know, is not always easy, but it was the only piece of advice I gave my companion that I think was truly helpful. I explained to her that anyone I know (or know of) who has organized shows, retreats, and events, written books, and created close connections with fellow bloggers has done so by simply putting it out in the world and asking our community for help (or a coffee date). There isn’t any “exclusive club”; we’re all just trying to live our lives and do something meaningful, and we are all driven by a desire to encourage others to do the same. We’ve all created what we want in our lives by asking for what we want in a number of different ways. In fact, this is exactly how SAW got started – Elizabeth asked teachers to teach, asked Rockywold-Deephaven Campground to host, asked people to come. It’s just that simple.
I will share one more tiny snippet which I hope will help dispel any fears potential SAW attendees have that start with, “What will people think of me?” I, too, came to SAW this year concerned about how certain people would see me and treat me. (Long story). Over the course of the weekend, my fears were completely dispelled, and I walked away from this realizing that just as I had feared some would judge me, I had judged them, projecting my anxieties onto them before we'd even met, all as a way to “defend” myself against any potential hurt. When I was sharing this story with Marisa, she looked at me and said, “Well here’s something for you to chew on – maybe they haven’t been thinking about you as much as you think they have, if at all!” As soon as she said this I burst out laughing, immediately seeing I had forgotten one other fundamental truth: Other people probably have better and more interesting things to think about than me. And this is true for everyone – with so much in our hearts and minds when we come to SAW I think it is safe to say there aren’t many of us who have enough brain space to take a look around the cafeteria, analyze everyone’s behavior, and contemplate whether or not we like it. And this is where Elizabeth’s focused, passionate intention comes into play: SAW does not attract that kind of energy, so even if it manages to sneak in under the radar, it is quickly extinguished because it has nothing to feed on.
We all come to SAW wanting the same
things: To be creative, to meet
and see friends, to enjoy the environment, to feel safe, to let go of worrying
about cooking and cleaning, to miss our families, to feel good. How these needs
get met is going to look different for each and every one of us, and that is
what makes SAW beautiful. There
are no requirements to be anything other than who you are and this, I believe,
is SAW’s greatest gift.
>>>>>THURSDAY GIVE AWAY: A 6x8 wall art plaque from The Christine Mason Miller Collection, shown below. Enter a comment to enter the drawing!
Yesterday's winner is the Enchanting Tara! Send me an email Tara to claim your goodies!
Wow. I've never been to Squam (hopefully next year!); however, I've been to my own blog meetup, and I think this attitude is so pervasive---that there are "circles" and such. I would urge people to bear in mind that if you're looking to create a community, that YOU can be a catalyst for that. If you see people feeling lonely or fearful, reach out. Be that person that others feel safe connecting to. Try to get to know the people you perceive as "in the community". You may find more than you thought you would, or you may wind up with something even better than you expected.
P.S. LOVE that print.
xo
Posted by: Amy --- Just A Titch | October 14, 2009 at 10:39 AM
Thank you. Beautiful post. Found on Twitter. I'm RT'ing. And: So. True. I dont' look at you all as something exclusive, rather great women going for life with passion and gusto! I admire it and draw inspiration from it.
Posted by: Leisa Hammett | October 14, 2009 at 10:38 AM
Wonderful post that addresses an issue I have heard other folks mention. Of course I am so daft that I did not even sense the 'inside group' until someone pointed it out to me. Duh. Honestly the existence (or not) of such a group is simply a reflection of each person's individual reality. I hope this makes sense, I know what I am trying to say, ya know?
My first half hour (or so) at SAW, I felt like a kid whose parents had dumped her at camp. Then I met my roomies and made an effort to put myself out there....and realized it was all going to be fine.
Your advice is excellent!
Posted by: Mary Beth Shaw | October 06, 2009 at 07:32 AM
This is a wonderful post! I'm one of those who at Squam last year felt like there was a secret club involved and I hadn't been invited to join. But, after attending this year, I realize most people are just more outgoing than I am and make friends easier or faster than I do. Squam is such a unique experience it is hard to explain to anyone who has not been there. It takes me a good two weeks to come back to the real world, and I miss it and my new found friends still.
Posted by: Carol | October 04, 2009 at 06:18 PM
i'm so proud of you that you venture out there. such an inspiration. i've been venturing in my own ways, but hope one day to do something with a creative group of gals like you have. xoxoxo
Posted by: Kristen Fischer | October 03, 2009 at 08:32 PM
So beautifully written... I completely identified with this post. Last year I took off for Squam pretty scared. A long drive by myself to stay in a cabin with 8 other ladies I'd never met for 5 days. But literally within about 5 minutes of walking into my cabin, I started to bond with these complete strangers. In the following days, there was no room in my heart anymore for fear. Squam was like being immersed in love, support and creativity. For me, it was probably the first time I'd ever really escaped my inner critic. I kind of wish I hadn't wasted all the effort worrying about going to Squam.
Thanks for this post... it's nice to be reminded that we're all in the same boat.
Posted by: Tara | October 02, 2009 at 04:55 PM
Hi Christine, new to your blog, not your work though, LOVE it & that plaque - you have a shining soul my dear
I so wanted to get to Squam this year after hearing so many good things about it, the setting alone would have me swooning :> Anyhow, you've touched on a good subject, I believe many have felt/feel like that person who confided in you. It's only human to want to fit in, be accepted into a group and made to feel welcome in new situations, especially ones where your heart & soul lie. Your post reminded me of this quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
How we THINK others are going to view us can be a positive or negative mindset, we have a choice. Add to that, our perceptions of people or situations can make or break an experience for us.
Thanks for this today. I choose to ask for more and expect less...
Posted by: Laura Taylor Mark | October 02, 2009 at 01:29 PM
met you at your table during the art show, wished i could have chatted a bit, and i wish i'd bought your book, one of your wee plaques, and well...i am still mostly on the other side looking in but i have to say after meeting you, you weren't too scary ;)
your sentiments written here totally resonated with me...
Posted by: Michelle Shopped | October 02, 2009 at 01:24 PM
love the art plaque!
Posted by: Amanda | October 02, 2009 at 08:21 AM
it's good to be reminded that other people aren't putting the same amount of energy into thinking about me that i am. ....thank you!!
Posted by: iamthediva | October 02, 2009 at 08:19 AM
it certainly begins with how you are and feel inside:
Posted by: Ludid | October 02, 2009 at 08:03 AM
You are a truly wise one...thank you for this candid and heart-felt post
Posted by: Lisa | October 02, 2009 at 06:43 AM
Your posts rock. Truly. Thank you!
Posted by: C.E.R. | October 02, 2009 at 06:32 AM
this post is perfect christine. i too was once someone who thought there was a certain mystique to the online creative community, but i am learning more and more that we are all just regular people chasing our dreams and trying not to go it alone. it is all about being brave and true and putting yourself out there. that's often pretty scary (and maybe why a lot of creative folks don't ever take that leap; they stay on the outide looking in). what they don't realize yet is that they are standing outside of thier own dreams. maybe it feels like an exclusive club from that perspective, but it think i have learned it is about diving into your own heart... there you will find the connections waiting for you. xo
Posted by: mindy | October 02, 2009 at 05:42 AM
I love these posts you are sharing. and the comments are great to read too!
Posted by: melba | October 02, 2009 at 04:15 AM
It's like anywhere in life ... how you react to others is almost always a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you don't feel so good in your own life/skin, then you are more likely to feel jealous and envious of others, whether it's just one person or a group. Some people react by leaving nasty anonymous comments, others by feeling insecure. If, on the other hand, you are pretty ok with who and where you are in your life, well, then the generosity of your spirit knows no bounds and you are pretty happy for them, or with them. I guess many of us are somewhere in between the two.
Marisa's comment reminded me of a famous quote, but I cannot remember by whom!? It's so true though, isn't it? If anything, we tend to think more about what others think of us than what we think of them!
This was a very thoughtful post. Kxo
Posted by: Kerstin | October 02, 2009 at 01:14 AM
An interesting perspective and spin on how people view not only situations, but one another...thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Posted by: Jennifer White | October 01, 2009 at 10:24 PM
I have to say I've been there and I've been on both sides and now I can also say I've been to Squam after feeling so much anxiety and worries and I have to tell everyone it's the most supportive place I've been a part of ~ truly magical and beautiful. xoxoxo
Posted by: stef | October 01, 2009 at 09:05 PM
I've already said "Thank you for the lesson" to myself 7 times today. Thank you for adding it to my life.
Posted by: Sophie | October 01, 2009 at 08:46 PM
i truly love your heartfelt and honest words !
I loved squam last year and was not able to attend it this year and I believe that art retreats are what you make of them and that keeping your expectations low is one of the best pieces of advice you gave...thank you for being you and being open and honest !
Posted by: beth | October 01, 2009 at 08:43 PM
I think this is something inherent to how women socialize--the fear of not being accepted into a group of seemingly established friends. Thanks for speaking to the issue.
I have wondered if there is a central group of you, I guess it doesn't really matter...
Posted by: Christine | October 01, 2009 at 07:57 PM
Beautiful art, beautiful spirit!
Fear of not belonging, not being good enough or not being loved are fears most of us have to overcome at some point in our lives. As Marianne Williamson says "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."
SAW sounds wonderful...thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic Christine.
Posted by: Kate Iredale | October 01, 2009 at 06:48 PM
Well, I must be honest here and admit that I, too, always thought that all y'all knew each other & flew to each other's homes to visit, and while maybe not BFFs, just part of the "first generation" of art bloggers. It makes me laugh to write that, but it's truly how I think of many of you, and I mean that in a positive way. Part of the idea, I'm sure, comes from seeing the same names in magazines and reading blogs where you talk about each other - I just had this fantasy that the art blogging "explosion" took off when so many of you were at the same point in your lives, and, as Sherry noted, relationships formed, etc., etc., etc.
I think you have nothing to prove or disprove - like you said, people will believe what they want to believe. I love reading everyone's accounts of SAW, everyone's different aspects (that sounds redundant, but you know what I mean! - LOL!).
I'm loving me this post. :)
Posted by: debi | October 01, 2009 at 05:04 PM
Love your art work and all the links to goodies you post every week. Thanks for the give-away!
Posted by: MelissaR | October 01, 2009 at 04:27 PM
love to hear all about Squam, can hardly wait to attend! Your art is beautiful...i LOVE that piece great saying!
Posted by: kathryn hansen | October 01, 2009 at 04:22 PM