
I listened to a Zencast podcast today on the long drive home down the I-5 from the Bay Area to Santa Monica, and the question Why was I born? was posed during the lecture. The topic of the discussion was thinking, and how to honor and use it during meditation instead of treating it as an action that needs to be squashed or avoided. In one of the examples the speaker used to illustrate how thinking can be beneficial in the practice of meditation he mentioned this question, and it immediately stuck with me.
This is a question we all grapple with in different ways and at different times in our lives - the idea of searching for purpose, creating meaning, following our hearts, and making our mark all have their roots in this very simple yet likely impossible to answer question. For every person that has walked the earth there is a different answer to this question, and who knows how many different ways to approach this question. Not to mention the fact that many of our actions have the potential to impact the world in ways we will never be aware of. Maybe I was born to create artwork and write stories that inspire others to create a meaningful life, or maybe I was born to be at a particular place and time in my car, which prevented someone else from getting through a yellow light, and because that person was held up on his or her journey by two minutes, he or she avoided a fatal accident. And maybe that person had a child that cured cancer.
I know it's a stretch, but stay with me.
My point is that I might sincerely believe I know the Truth of why I was born - my purpose (what I'm meant to do), where I belong (who I'm meant to share my life with), and what my soul's work is (what lessons I am meant to learn). And I might be right about those things or I might not, because in the midst of all the details of my life it might very well be possible that I could have done any number of things and ended up with a different family, working through different issues, and that all might have felt just as right and true as where I am right now. To be honest, there is a part of me that can't imagine my life any other way than what it is right now - warts and all - but I have to consider that as a possibility.
My life simply is what it is, and I happened to have certain experiences that shaped me a certain way, and they led me here - home on a Wednesday night writing a blog entry about the question of why I was born, waiting for Indian food to be delivered, still basking in the glow of the memories I just created up north.
Am I living my ultimate purpose? Why was I born?
These questions are all part of the mystery, but the code I feel like I am beginning to crack lies in looking at whatever is in front of me and accepting it for where it is. I might still try to steer things here or there, but deep down I will not find peace in my heart until I accept what is. I had this revelation right smack in the middle of a conversation with a friend last week, when I started to say "This relationship still needs a lot of work..." (not ours but another one) and I stopped mid-sentence and said, "No, actually, this relationship is where it is, and today things feel more open and peaceful than they did a week ago, and right now, that is enough." I realized I had to stop seeing the relationship as something that would only be "good" if it were something other than what it is right now. In that instance, I immediately breathed easier.
I can look at my life the same way - as always seeing it as something that needs to look this way or that way, but never just what it looks like right now. Or I can sit still in the midst of this world in which I'm living, which is overflowing with joy, creativity, beauty, questions, and mysteries, and when I stop to wonder why was I born simply accept that I can't answer that question definitively, and that is OK. I know I have discussed the topic of acceptance many times before, but I think the truth of it has many, many layers, and each time I peel one away I experience a deeper settling within my own heart.
{And then the Indian food arrives, and it's time for dinner.}