Doing ~ Saying

[One of many pieces currently in the works in my studio that began with the deconstruction of an existing piece.  This was an oil painting on stretched canvas that was taken off its frame and applied to a new wood panel.]

I know it is not necessary - or even productive - to try to compartmentalize my life too much at all.  I scribbled down a few sentences yesterday exploring what it means to to approach my life from the question of What do I want to say? versus What do I want to do?.  My brief synopsis was that my actions will always speak louder than any words I say or write, so the question of What do I want to do? will always be intimately tied to the question of What do I want to say?  In other words, I can "say" a great deal simply by what I do.

I also know it is not necessary - or even productive - to have any concern over the way my life flows.  There will be times when I am quiet and times when I am the life of the party.  Some days my attention is buried in my creative work and other days it is focused on getting that work seen.  There will be times when my artistic ideas catapult out of me like fireworks, times when they flow gently like honey and times when they are stuck in the mire of self-doubt, exhaustion or simple artist's block.  It is all part of the same experience, which is my life.  I need not worry that if I spend too much time in one area or another I will be defined as such, and that these definitions will somehow limit me.

[First act of re-building this deconstructed creation:  Painting the areas of the panel uncovered by the canvas.]

I say all of this to express where I am right now - which is in a place of expansive observation.  Expansive as in I am taking a lot of time to look closely at all the patterns, routines and consistent choices in my life and whether or not they are truly serving me.  This is an ongoing process - when am I not over-thinking, analyzing, questioning and contemplating?  But this feels different.  This is quieter, softer, and inspired by a brutally honest assessment of the fact that much of what I have been doing - particularly with my creative work - has been motivated by many levels of unhealthy grasping.  This is not to say I regret anything or that what I have been doing has not been worthwhile - quite the opposite.  But I finally had to admit to myself that much of what I felt like I had to pursue was motivated by this grasping, and whenever there is grasping there is tension, and wherever there is tension there is a blockage of the natural flow of things.

I think this blog reflects all of this.  I have continued to post regularly, but more of them are tiny snippets of whatever happens to be catching my attention on any given day - dewdrops in Big Sur, snails by my house, my grandpa's travel photos and the daily adventures I've been experiencing in my studio.  I haven't known how to precisely express the gentle current that has been sweeping me in unexpected directions.  To be more exact, I haven't known how to express it in a way that doesn't sound exactly like so many other internal stirrings I've shared here over the years.

Maybe in my quest to un-grasp, I am letting go of the need to constantly share the stories I am living in the hopes that they are somehow inspiring; perhaps that release is being masqueraded as a fear of sounding repetitive.  There are countless stories in me that I know I will eventually need to sit down and write, but I am feeling less like I need to write them in order to say this or that (because this or that might be helpful, uplifting, etc. and therefore recognized, appreciated and acknowledged) and more like I need to write them because they need to be written.  I need to create art right now, and I need to continue writing stories.  But both are now flowing out of me because I need to do these things rather than because I hope they will give me some kind of recognition, book deal, Amazon rank or validity.  Admittedly, this is still an idea I am getting used to and not entirely comfortable with, but in that discomfort I see the signs of a necessary stage of growth.

I read an interview with Ashley Judd many years ago in which she said, "I've lost all ambition," in a discussion of how content she was with her life the way it was at the time, which was less about Hollywood and more about knowing the names of all the wildflowers on her property.  That interview has stayed with me ever since, and I often wonder what it really meant for her to feel the loss of a certain kind of ambition and be content with that loss.  This idea has continued to intrigue me, and every once in a while I explore my own definition of ambition and whether or not it still flows through my veins.

I find myself, once again, thinking of her interview, and asking myself what it is I really want to do.  What ~ Do I Want ~ To Do?  I am sharing many of the answers that are unfolding in my studio right now - I want to dismantle, deconstruct, and create with absolute abandon - but some of the other answers are still being mined for and examined.  But maybe I will never need to utter a single word about what those other answers are; maybe they will reveal themselves in the things that I do - tomorrow, next month and at the end of the year.  And maybe it's time I let that be enough, do the work I need to do, and release my need to talk so much about it as if I need to prove myself and grasp at all those things I think will give it meaning and validity - all those external rewards I have been taught to believe will give me a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment.

Maybe simply living a life that is meaningful to me is enough, and I can let that say everything I might ever want to say.

Comments

[Thea]

"But I finally had to admit to myself that much of what I felt like I had to pursue was motivated by this grasping, and whenever there is grasping there is tension, and wherever there is tension there is a blockage of the natural flow of things." So here right now...your words comfort me and rest right in my chest by my heart. xo

[Shannon]

I appreciate your sharing your process and what questions you are living in...as I have been doing some deep soul-searching and healing as I too look at what I want to do...

What I keep coming back to (on my own and through the wise counsel of some healers I am working with) is a quality of beingness.

Of being clear on who I want to be..who I am called to be...and then living my life from that.

I don't have my "being-ness" fully languaged yet — but I know it has to do with shining light and love on beauty, wholeness and expanding potential.

Each moment being that. Doing from that place. Speaking from who I am being.

{As one healer said to me: stop trying to figure out your life purpose. Your purpose is to be here and feel joy and then act from that.}

It feels foreign to the planner/analytical part of me who wants to have it all figured out. But on level that I can't fully articulate, it feels true, too.

All I have to do is to be that...and it will all unfold from there.

I have a thing for flowers. And I've been thinking about their "way of being" -- which for me seems paradoxical in its surrender and focused action....

Anyway, this is rambling, but I wanted to respond as a way of saying thanks for sharing your journey and for helping me to continue to clarify my own.

It sounds to me like you are finding that sweet spot of flow and presence and creative truth and clarity from which an authentic masterpiece of a life can be created.

{love and light}

ps have you read J. Ruth Gendler's Notes on the Need for Beauty? I am reading it and am loving it — she's an artist, poet and writer who is in love with questions. If you haven't read her, you might enjoy her, too.

[emily]

i love that you give yourself permission to just be. it is an important reminder that i often lose track of. your beautiful work and words are so inspiring. i'm now a new fan! oh, and thanks for your lovely comment the other day. big smiles.

[Leah Virsik]

Mmmm… I'm touched and can relate to the questioning. I appreciate you writing your very public words. Yes, I agree "Maybe simply living a life that is meaningful to me is enough…"

I enjoy witnessing your process as well. I found you via Lisa Occhipinti's blog.

[Nic Hohn]

A couple of months ago I came home from a retreat and felt and knew in my heart that if I never created again, I would be ok. That I had made a difference in this world through my art and with the people I've connected to....I am still creating but it feels like its coming from a different more peaceful, at ease place.

I too am repurposing my canvases.Giving them makeovers with more skill, intention and purpose.

Love watching what you are doing with yours!

[Cindy Jones Lantier]

Once again, you have touched me with your words. The idea of not having concern over how my life flows particularly struck me and I'll be carrying that around with me for the next few days. Thanks, as always, for the insight and the ideas.

[rowena]

I appreciate your candid exploration of your creative process, the lulls as well as the production. Particularly as someone who is not as far along in the business of being an artist. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it... but I realize that is part of the process, and it's good to see other artists struggling with the same thing.

[Kate]

You encapsulate everything in this one sentence: "Maybe simply living a life that is meaningful to me is enough, and I can let that say everything I might ever want to say. "

BEAUTIFUL.

[pixie]

You know even when you don't think you know. Ya know?
I always dig watching your art and your path unroll in front of you like a magical carpet.