Disorder

Right now:  Piles of laundry on my kitchen table, counter and chair.  A pile of paper that needs to be sorted through.  A salt shaker, my iPhone, a book, two pens, and a pair of glasses on my kitchen table.  Laundry basket, shoes and trash basket on top of cabinets.  Baby gates blocking one side of the kitchen, four dining room chairs set down sideways to block the other side (two wider gates due to arrive today.) 

I am not comfortable with disorder, don't like the feeling I get when my entire peripheral vision is filled with things, with objects.  I heard through the grapevine that I'm known to keep a very tidy house and it's true.  I laughed out loud when this was shared with me, laughed that it even merited someone's attention enough to pass that little detail of my life around.

I am having to let go of many details of "tidiness" and organization these days, not only in my kitchen but also in our bedroom, where we've moved a rug, a table, two lamps and our bath mats.  I'm having to let go of the deadline I set for the launch of my new website.  I'm having to do my best to ignore all the stories from the 100 Books Project that are sitting on my computer waiting to be posted on this blog.  My work in the studio is over for at least the next 4-6 weeks, and I'm having to sneak in work at home between laundry, dishes, puppy training sessions, puppy visitors, meals and sleep.  Today I let go of trying to be super-human, taking the risk that one person in particular will think very poorly of me.

In other words, the level of disorder and Not Being On Top of Things in my life right now has gone far beyond my comfort zone, and I'm having to choose ~ on a daily basis ~ how to respond to that.  I'm trying to be graceful about it, to choose my battles carefully, and be quiet when I need to.  I want to take this opportunity to shed one more layer of the belief system that I am not enough.

I love to work hard, to inspire, to push myself, to reach and run and take on more than I should.  I love it.  But there is also that line ~ that very thin line ~ between the passion behind my drive and the feeling of "not enough-ness" that has the potential to creep into that journey.  There are all kinds of routines and patterns in my life that have been shattered by a little clumsy four-legged wonder named Tilda, and I'm trying to let her barrel in and dismantle it all, so I can continue learning how to let go, and be enough, and still keep a tidy house.

Comments

[Carmen]

And, the "disorder" in that photo is super inspiring to me. There's something about a mess of papers that makes me want to treasure hunt for the perfect collage elements, vision board pieces or inspiring bits.

xo,
Carmen

[Carmen]

You are enough...

[branchhomestead]

so thrilled that you posted about this and hoping that you are feeling more grounded today. she is super cute and while life is going to feel out of control just think of all the love you are sharing with her and she with you. oh and welcome to my world of chaos!
miss you.

[gillian]

Oh Tilda. Waltzing...Tilda.
You know, the one person in particular who you think will think very poorly of you needs to escape your consciousness...even if only for one day at a time until you are over it completely.

What matters is, have we breathed? Loved? Done our best?

You look outward everyday, at your world. Strangely, miraculously it keeps turning. You will drive yourself mad if you try to live up to unrealistic standards. Instead, worry less about what others think of your mess...and worry about the basics. (Breath, eat, sleep.)

Then, if those who come over pitch a fit because you have a sock on their floor...march Tilda over to their house with a white glove on and do a shelf test. They won't pass, I guarantee it.

Get busy livin'.
xoxo
Love you, and all your dust, mess and other shit!

[Marianne]

I can only imagine. You are doing it, allowing your life to be turned upside down and that's both brave and inevitable. Sending as much calmness and courage as I can!

[C.E.R.]

You just read my mind. I'm with ya! You're not alone. Live in the moment...

[linda]

the adventure begins, my friend! just wait til you see how much wondrous stuff a 4-legged will teach you! and by the way...you are plenty. and plenty is enough.
my grandmother always said that "no interesting person ever died with a clean house." i use that one.
linda

[Lisa]

So sounds like each day for me. Never enough time, but Tilda is such a sweetie!!!

[grace]

I'm pulling for you - you can do it! My mom used to say the dust bunnies& laundry can wait, enjoy your baby while you can.She was right. Did I just write that?! lol I'll send in the cavalry :)