Swirly Girl

Transitions

We have had multiple transitions going on in our household this month ~ the very well documented arrival of Tilda, the arrival of two family members who are staying with us as they go through their own transition to Santa Monica from Boulder, the return to my home studio, and the change in venue of my home studio.  My easel, painting supplies, and panels are all in a different room now, which is technically a guest bedroom.  But the room has a lot more light than my "official" home studio and isn't used that often, so I decided it was time to see how it feels to work in a different part of my home, where there is no computer and I can leave whatever mess I make intact when I finish for the day.

Although I am excited about this change, and I feel giddy anytime I step into that room and see my easel next to a big expanse of windows, my time in there will be minimal for a while.  The focus these days is on Tilda, my book, and my website, and in between those projects I still have to manage the usual array of household tasks.  It sounds more hectic than it really is, and everyday I feel a little more settled than the day before with Tilda.  She is teaching me so much ~ about patience, rest, laughter, and being totally present.  In those instances when I want to hand her off to the first person that comes knocking at my door, imagining days far in the future when she won't have razor sharp puppy teeth, I stop and remind myself that she won't be this little for very long.

She still is so small.  As fast as she's growing, and as big as her paws are (!) she is still so small.

Tilda is pulling me closer to the earth, to the day-to-day details of my life.  I decided this past weekend that I would stay off the internet, thinking it would be a challenge.  Instead it turned out to be the loveliest of gifts, for instead of perusing blogs and Twitter, I finished the book I was reading and played with Tilda, and soaked up a quiet weekend with my family.  Already I'm having a hard time imagining what our life was like before she joined us.

“Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our Suffering

"Our suffering comes from the fact that we are attached to the outer form that something assumes in a given instant rather than the movable conversation that stands behind it.  Keeping up with what is occurring rather than lagging and getting caught in things that no longer exist, is one of the the great disciplines of life."  ~David Whyte, The Three Marriages

Sparklette #55

Yesterday evening I was in the backyard playing with Tilda and as I ran across the lawn I slipped and landed flat on my bum.  My first thought was, "Oh no ~ I slipped on POO!" but it turned out to just be wet grass.

And THAT'S how I spell relief:  N-O   D-O-G   P-O-O

Five Things

1.  From MaryJanesandGaloshes, you can shop her beautiful wares here, here, and here!

2.  Head to Amy Krouse Rosenthal's site to share what you DON'T want to do anymore!  

3. Jean Paul Gaultier's designs for Roche Bobois make for a supa-swanky pad, non?

4.  What are you obsessed with?  Share it over at ItsASickness.

5.  Last but not least ~ I'm proud to announce my artwork is featured in Patti Digh's new book Four Word Self Help.  WooHoo!

Disorder

Right now:  Piles of laundry on my kitchen table, counter and chair.  A pile of paper that needs to be sorted through.  A salt shaker, my iPhone, a book, two pens, and a pair of glasses on my kitchen table.  Laundry basket, shoes and trash basket on top of cabinets.  Baby gates blocking one side of the kitchen, four dining room chairs set down sideways to block the other side (two wider gates due to arrive today.) 

I am not comfortable with disorder, don't like the feeling I get when my entire peripheral vision is filled with things, with objects.  I heard through the grapevine that I'm known to keep a very tidy house and it's true.  I laughed out loud when this was shared with me, laughed that it even merited someone's attention enough to pass that little detail of my life around.

I am having to let go of many details of "tidiness" and organization these days, not only in my kitchen but also in our bedroom, where we've moved a rug, a table, two lamps and our bath mats.  I'm having to let go of the deadline I set for the launch of my new website.  I'm having to do my best to ignore all the stories from the 100 Books Project that are sitting on my computer waiting to be posted on this blog.  My work in the studio is over for at least the next 4-6 weeks, and I'm having to sneak in work at home between laundry, dishes, puppy training sessions, puppy visitors, meals and sleep.  Today I let go of trying to be super-human, taking the risk that one person in particular will think very poorly of me.

In other words, the level of disorder and Not Being On Top of Things in my life right now has gone far beyond my comfort zone, and I'm having to choose ~ on a daily basis ~ how to respond to that.  I'm trying to be graceful about it, to choose my battles carefully, and be quiet when I need to.  I want to take this opportunity to shed one more layer of the belief system that I am not enough.

I love to work hard, to inspire, to push myself, to reach and run and take on more than I should.  I love it.  But there is also that line ~ that very thin line ~ between the passion behind my drive and the feeling of "not enough-ness" that has the potential to creep into that journey.  There are all kinds of routines and patterns in my life that have been shattered by a little clumsy four-legged wonder named Tilda, and I'm trying to let her barrel in and dismantle it all, so I can continue learning how to let go, and be enough, and still keep a tidy house.

Generations

The always inspiring Carmen Torbus posted this video today, and I was struck by how immediately it brought up thoughts about the lives women live today versus in my mother's generation.  This is a topic that comes up now and then with my friends, and for some reason it has been bubbling up in conversations with greater frequency lately.

Human nature dictates that with each generation there will be vertigo-inducing gaps in our understanding of one another ~ situations in which our attempts at trying to communicate and connect have us craning our necks, squinting, and straining our every muscle.  Maybe, because DNA ties us together, we feel like it should be easier to understand and appreciate one another.  When, instead, we face one another with the feeling that there is an impossible chasm between us, it can be difficult to know how to bridge that gap.

“She’s my mother ~ I thought she was supposed to get me.”

“This is my daughter ~ why are her values different from mine?”

Carmen's video made me think about the abundance of resources, support and channels of connection that are available to our generation ~ how so many of us are claiming our lives in a way our mothers likely never could.  Maybe Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan inspired our mothers to stand up for themselves more than their mothers were ever encouraged to, but our generation is taking the claiming of our own lives to an entirely different level.  I'm not sure our generation feels like we can "have it all" ~ with particular emphasis on finding the perfect family + career balance ~ as much as we believe we can define for ourselves what all means and pursue that in our own unique way.

I think I am talking about two different things here ~ the landscape our generation is now navigating creating versus the terrain our mothers had to cultivate and the difficulties that can arise when a mother and daughter cannot fully embrace the differences between the two.  The problem with these differences is that it isn’t terribly easy to call them different and leave it at that.  Other labels get too easily attached ~ words such as good, bad, silly, and outdated can take what could be a starting point for a fascinating conversation and shut it down before it can even get going.

I know I am teetering on the edge of making inappropriate, sweeping generalizations, but as I try to work through the tangles I sometimes feel caught in with my own mother, I am eager to know what kind of conversations are happening between mothers and daughters these days.  This is an area of my life in which I feel a particular kind of lost-ness, where my search for answers and clarity always feels just out of my reach, on the other side of a fog bank that follows my every move.

As daughters with mothers and mothers with daughters, what conversations are taking place, either in real life or in your perfect-world scenarios?

"Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to- be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future."  ~Elizabeth Debold

This is What We are Capable Of

We humans:  We are capable of so much.
So very much.

We can easily let our suffering define us.
We know how to give in to our anger.
We are skilled at the delicate weave of long tales of woe,
knotted together with the prickly yarns of loss, of grief, of hurt.

It is well within our nature to run away from our dreams
with the same intensity as we would if being chased by wolves.

And yet.

We have walked on the moon,
Learned out how to fly;
Stood firm against hatred,
Refused to go quietly
To the back of the bus.

It has been scientifically documented
Again and again
That we are capable of stringing together
A quiet string of words
In such a way
That our fellow humans can't help but weep ~
Caught in a state of disbelief
That life can be so beautiful
And we humans can be so pure.

~

This is what I was thinking about as I sat in the background of a weekend of awakening shared with sixteen eager students and an extraordinary teacher named Sabrina.  Whenever it was not necessary for me to be mixing paints, preparing gesso, or answering questions, I sat still on the sidelines and just basked in the glow.  I listened to the scratch of pens across paper, watched the expressions of wonder across all the beautiful faces, and felt my heart stir at all the magic and beauty we humans have within us.

There are so many stories of suffering and pain in the world right now; there is no shortage of information that serves no purpose other than to drain our weary, tender spirits.  But not everywhere, and certainly not in this studio while Trust the Mess was in full swing.  Here was where I was witness to what we humans are capable of.  Here I was reminded of how precious these moments are ~ these moments when we take a chance, and go to great lengths to spend two days in a room with strangers, willing to cry and smear and sand and laugh and show up in every possible way.  Here was mystery and joy, here was compassion and light.  Here was a deep howling at the wild moon within us, where everything is possible and all is right with the world.

Mood Swings

Sleeping quietly at my feet:  Best puppy in the world!

Non-stop nipping at my hands and feet:  Hey everyone ~ FREE PUPPY!

Follows me when I call her name:  Best puppy in the world!

Crawls on top of dishwasher door to lick food off of silverware:  Hey everyone ~ FREE PUPPY!

Pees and Poos OUTSIDE:  Best puppy in the world!

Marches into the kitchen, looks up at me calmly, squats, and PEES:  Hey everyone ~ FREE PUPPY!

Leaps and bounds all over the yard, entertaining us:  Best puppy in the world!

Tries to chew our beloved Eames Chair*:  Hey everyone ~ FREE PUPPY!

Gets sleepy and suddenly can't stand to be away from us:  Best puppy in the world!

* Technically our fault; we shouldn't have even tempted her.

...and One More Thing

I just read about Crescendoh's new Creative Lab this morning and couldn't wait to start talking it up.  Check out the details on their first e-course ~ Crafting My Best Life.

Five Things

1.  Big Bambu ~ BIG indeed

2.  New Dress a Day ~ OK, she has set out to buy one used dress a day for no more than $1 and transform it into something supa-cute.  Wowzers.

3.  I loooove Mari Robeson's new ELovePhants line of textiles.

4.  1000 Crane Mission ~ And I thought I was ambitious with my 100 Books Project.

5.  This is stone cold crazy.

It's now time for the Trust the Mess weekend with Sabrina Ward Harrison ~ we'll be spilling, splattering and creating in the studio Saturday and Sunday.  Thank you to everyone who cheered us on, inquired and registered.  Stay tuned for future workshops.